Today is my birthday. I'm 52. I'm an old fart. I started off my day not quite as I planned. I planned on having a nice quiet day to relax, esp. with my hubby in Toronto all day, not here to bug me, but I woke up at 6 am to find the 24 YR old curled up on the bathroom floor passed out with severe abdomenal pain, white as a ghost and so I called 911 and we took an ambulance to the ER. I suspected it was his appendix and he rated the pain a 9 out of 10 on the pain scale and his pulse was really low, only 45. Despite this, the doctor didn't seem worried and all they did was take bloodwork and gave him IV fluid and thinks it just either a gasto upset from either food poisoning or a virus and sent him home but I'm still not sure. My Mother Heart is worried, on high alert, vigilant, and keeping a close eye on him monitoring him in case something got over-looked and he has to go back.
Yesterday my mother and I went out to eat for my birthday lunch. It cost a whopping 90$. I think it's weird how my mother always complains she has no $$$$ but she thinks nothing of dropping 50$ on ordering-in Chinese food for New Year or spending 90$ for a dinner. She spends her $$$ on food and I spend mind on weed. Gluttony is my biggest sin for sure. Everything was just so good we gorged ourselves like the ancient Romans and I felt to guilty, decadent and sinful like I need to go to Confession when I go to church on Sunday. When I called my hubby to pick us up he also said he'll be right there, meanwhile we were left waiting out in the cold and snow for something like 30 minutes and when I told him off he starts ripping into me(and so did the 17 YR old who was along for the ride being dropped off elsewhere) saying I'm ungrateful and have never been thankful for anything in my entire life, should be grateful I even have a ride, should just get out and walk, etc...WTF? So he's allowed to be late and make us wait out in the cold but I'm not allowed to get upset or say anything about it? Somehow everything's always my fault and I'm to blame for everything. They always seem to find a way to twist everything around and they think they can treat me however they want but if I ever say anything I'm the problem....
I also got a sunflower T-shirt custom-made for my gift from my hubby(that I ordered and gave him the bill) and my mother got me chocolates, incl. truffles, my fave. The kids never even made me cards, even though they still do for my hubby, but as the 17 YR old summed it up, But we like Papa! Yeah, I know, my family are such assholes. This time of year is also always hard for me to get thru as well with Christmas, a new year and my birthday; the end of an old year and the beginning of another, plus I'm getting older and I realize What has my life become? What have I done? What have I accomplished? Is this it? Is this all there is? It gets very depressing to realize what a failure myself and my life has been and for what? I just basically keep waiting to die and hope for happiness and love in Heaven because I'm never going to find it here.
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