Out There Somewhere.

  After never having experienced love and romance in my life, but rather just settling for the first and only guy that ever showed any interest in me, I'm still hoping that my True Love, my Soul Mate, my Eternal Companion is out there somewhere. Even at my age, and in my broken, decrepit state I can still hope and dream. I hope there's someone out there that can see beyond all that, beyond the fat and ugly physical appearance on the outside and look into the inside, that sees something in me that no one else does, that loves me enough to help me heal all my brokenness and hurt, to help me tear down my walls, barriers, and defences of protection I have built up over the years to safeguard my heart and vulnerabilities, after being hurt, used, betrayed, broken,rejeced,abused, bullied,and unloved and unwanted for all those years, someone that smiles when they think about me or hears my name, that thinks What a woman! when they think about me, that loves me so much he just wants to melt into me, someone who just gets me, who knows every single quirk and defect but loves me anyway and even thinks it's adorable because it's part of me. Is he really out there somewhere? Is it too late or is there still hope?

  Sometimes a little voice in my heart whispers that he's already here, that he's already in my life, that he knows me, or at the very least is aware I exist and isn't a stranger I have yet to meet; we're just not aware of our connection,and our fate, yet. That we're just waiting, both unaware, until the time is right.In all likelihood probably not though, I mean, who would ever want this, but with God all things are possible and if it's part of His plan for my life to find love and happiness anything's possible, and who knows, maybe there's even a male version of me out there somewhere, just as broken and ugly and longing for love he never got, just waiting for me,too....

  I also wonder if maybe my medical issues could also be caused by some sort of auto-immune disease, like Lupus or something and it makes sense and I do have the symptoms and it might explain the debilitating fatigue, the rashes, the seizures, the organ damage( failing kidneys, liver, lungs, declining brain) IBS, slow-healing sores and bruises, fluid retention and edema, shortness of breath, muscle and joint pain, etc. I constantly have....you'd think though after all my years of tests and specialists the doctors would have found it but maybe they were over-complicating it and looking for some exotic tropical disease rare sort of thing instead of something a bit more common? I've been tested for diabetes and thyroid countless times and it's always come back normal.....just makes me wonder....