Break Free.

  As long as I can remember, at least in my adult life, other than when I was a kid, I've always had this feeling of wanting and needing to break free. I guess that's the best way to describe it. To break free, and escape from this body, this life, from being me. Always wanting to be someone else, with someone else;s life, to be somewhere else. It almost feels like this skin, this body, this beingness isn't really mine, like it's foreign, alien, mis-assigned to me by mistake and I have this need to shake it off, to shed this skin, this body, this life, and break out, break free, and escape it and fly away to what and where I'm really meant to be. I always feel like I'm constrained, restricted, held back, hostage, contained, almost prisoner, and that the Real Me is struggling to break free.

  My guess is perhaps it's my underlying desire to break free of my Asperger's, bipolar, depression and social phobia that impairs me and holds me back in life, or maybe it's my self-loathing, brokenness due to the overwhelming traumas I've had to endure in my life, years of misery and unhappiness, a longing for the peace of Heaven, the free spirit and rebel in me longing to be free, or maybe even a combination. I don't know for sure, but there's always been something inside of me that feels trapped and that longs to be free. My whole life I've always been a Good Girl. I do the Right Thing. I follow the rules. I do my duty and my obligations but at the same time I also want to cut loose and break away and break the rules and go wild and just have fun and be me. I want to spread my wings and fly. I want to break free and soar but feel I will only truly be free and be unshackled from my chains once I get to Heaven. That's my true Home and where I really belong and can be myself and can truly be released from this prison and be free.

  As well, for the past 2 days I've had bad abdomenal pain and I'm bleeding again too so I don't know if it's from the 17 YR kicking me the other day or just my colon acting-up again but it's so bad the pain kept me awake until 2 am last night and every year my mother threatens to not open up the pool due to the expense( at least 1000$ every summer between all the chemicals and that's not even incl. the extra water and electricity to run the pump) and this time she asked me if I'd prefer to have the pool open OR to NOT open it but instead go away on vacation for a week for virtually the same cost......so naturally I chose the vacation (God knows I really need it and it was 2 years ago I last went away; to Cuba) and besides, last year I was the only one who even used the pool all summer anyway, so if all goes well I hope to go to JAMAICA for a week in April at an all-inclusive resort. I contacted my travel agent to see what packages there are and want to go to the Bob Marley Museum tour of course,too, being he's my fave. singer of all time, and I never travel in winter as the weather is so unpredictable with all the ice and snow and too high a risk of flights being cancelled. EEEEEE!! I can hardly wait!!! Finally something good to look forward to!