Fly Away.

 

They've been mentally,psychologically,and emotionally abusing me for years and now they've started to physically abuse me as well. I was in the livingroom listening to music and the kids just came in and turned it off when they wanted to play a video game(instead of co-existing and letting me listen to my music and they can also play their game, they just march in and take over) so I said every time they turn off my music I'll shut off their game- I warned them- but they still did anyway,and then they turned off my fave. Sammy Hagar song, so I shut down their game and they just turned it back on again and shut off my music again and  then the 17 YR old got really flippant and mouthy and mean and calling me derogatory names, being really disrespectful so I just yanked the game controller out of her hands and told her that she was done.....and then she proceeded to fight me, kicking me in the stomach as she tightly gripped onto the controller as I tried to pry it out of her hand, but I did succeed, and then she and the 15 YR old ganged-up on me and threw a shoe and a big ball at me, hitting me in the face and back and the 11 YR old joined in yelling at me he hopes I go and kill myself.

  That's it. I've had enough. I can't keep doing this anymore. They've broken me. When I asked my hubby to man up and do something he basically said it's my fault for always having my music so loud, even though I don't hear well (I have a hearing aid for f*ck's sake!) and need it loud in order to be able to hear it. I'm just so sick of this shit, and so last night I again swallowed a bunch of pills in the hope of finally ending it all for good, my only escape from this life and toxic environment, my only way out, the only way it will stop or ever end, and I lay down in bed curled up next to Buddy, waiting to drift off to sleep and hopefully never wake up......except I did.....talk about disappointment. Why doesn't God just set me free? Why won't He take me Home? Why am I left here with all this misery? This is something like my 7th suicide attempt in my life; why do none of them work? What reason could God possibly have for still keeping me alive? I don't get it. Why am I still here? I just want to be happy. I just want to be free.I just want to fly away.