If I Had Money....

  Today in church is the financial yearly review, where the parish is up to date on the financial status and shamed into giving more $$$$$ each week for the weekly offering. It always makes me feel so ashamed, so embarrassed  I give so little, for being so broke. Now I give half what I used to, compared to when I used to have $$$$$ but ever since our finances are bad it's all I have and can barely even afford that, but it still is my 10% tithing, even if it is a piddly amount but I still feel ashamed, and feel the stigma and dhame of poverty. It makes me angry, too, because I really am giving all I can afford, and I feel like the poor Widow in the Bible that gave the pennies, which was all that she had, but in doing so it meant more than the rich man who gave much because out of his abundance it didn't mean as much and wasn't as much of a sacrifice. It gets me mad too as the church is so wealthy and yet it's still trying to squeeze even more out of struggling people, poor people, people like me, that are struggling to find $$$ to just pay the bills and buy food. It just pisses me off as well as makes me feel small.

  As well, the travel agent got back to me on the Jamaica trip and it's so expensive! For just a week at the resorts costs three times what it did when I stayed at the resort in Cuba for the week and TWICE as much as we thought it would and she even said the resorts are run down and in need of renovations.... whatever that means....different people see it different ways.....but in any case she said it's not the typical 5 star travel accomodations I'm used to; that I always booked before when I used to have $$$$$....I can't even imagine how much more it would cost if it wasn't "run down"....... it's the same price as a week Caribbean cruise, except on the cruise I wouldn't be able to be at the beach and swim in the ocean and that's what I want, plus they don't typically even go to Jamaica, and even if they did it would only dock there for a day and I really want to go to Jamaica.....Bob Marley country....

...and so once again I was looking forward to something and it was yanked out from under me. The story of my life. I really can't take any more disappointments in life. I really can't. So I sent her back a reply asking if there's going to be any upcoming sales, esp. if I wait last minute, like I did with Cuba ( I booked it just 4 days before I left!) or I was thinking maybe a less-expensive option could be I go to visit my friend in Brazil instead and I'd only have to pay airfare and I could just stay with her and it's nice and warm there and they have great beaches.....she is always asking me to come up and see her, so maybe.... I pray to God and wait on it and see what happens either way.....



  If I ever do have $$$$ again, as unlikely as that seems, I would also get the buckling walls and cracking water-stained ceilings in our house fixed that we can't afford to now, as well as any other renovations and fix-it jobs we just can't afford now, we could also not have to always buy groceries that are marked down, reduced, on sale, or coupon based, buy brand names, not have to settle for the cheap inferior stuff all the time, buy something if we like it regardless of price, buy new underwear and socks that don't have holes in it, travel again, get more professional services instead of having to try and do everything ourselves because we can't afford to pay anyone, have the best of everything once more instead of the cheapest, eat more meat and less "fillers" like bread, buy more food so we don't run out by grocery day at the end of the week, not shop at second-hand stores but buy everything new like we used to, put the thermostat up higher so we won't freeze as much in winter, open the pool, do laundry whenever we need it and not just during the cheapest times during the day to run the electricity, run the dishwasher and laundry more than once a day as needed and not have to worry about the electric costs, run the A/C in summer as needed and not have to "ration" it worrying about the electric bill, not have to ration food so there's enough to go around, ....etc... the list is endless..... the best thing though about having $$$$$ is NOT having to worry about paying bills, or where the $$$ is going to come from to cover unexpected stuff, and having the peace of mind knowing that no matter what happens you are financially covered.