The Wish.

When I was a kid I used to wish that I could fly. I still do (that would be awesome!) but now as an adult my wish is that I was pretty. If I was I know without any doubt, and with all certainty, that I would have had alot more opportunities and choices in life, esp. when it comes to dating, love, and finding a life partner. Instead of being the ugly girl always left behind, the one that waited for phone calls and being asked out on dates from boys that never came, and being the one leaning against the wall at school dances waiting for a boy to ask me to dance, missing out on Prom because I never had a date, never knowing the experience of having a crush like me back, never even being cat-called or complimented, never being "picked up"(not even sitting alone at a Jazz bar in Cuba) never being "checked out", never being whistled at, never being oogled, never being desired, never feeling or made to feel attractive or desired, never feeling sexy or alluring. If only I was pretty my life would have been so different.

I could never be sexy, attractive or desirable even when I try. Even getting all dressed up and putting on make up, even with long hair, I still just always end up looking like a man in drag. There's just no way around it: I'm ugly with a big long face and a big head and have manly, masculine features. Both my parents are homely and manly-looking and I got the worst of each. I never really had a chance. You know those masculine-looking Russian women that drive tractors on farms or those manly German women that work in car factories.....that's sort of what my mother looks like and my father has the long face and the ears that stick out.....and I got both from both of them.

Even my own hubby doesn't desire me, esp. now I'm old, grey and fat, even though he is,too, with his jiggly tummy, his grey hair, and now his boobs are as big as mine......he's no "prize" either...... he hasn't touched me in years; I feel like a leper......and even when I WAS young and thin years ago I was still always ugly and even then he was still the only one that was ever interested in me and wanted me, so I settled. It was either that or nothing and I wanted a family. (Little did I know, but hindsight is everything, right?) but I missed out on so much, like romance, passion, attraction, happiness, and love. Even when I used to do IT with him I'd always imagine he was someone else, someone I loved or was at least attracted to. It really hurts to realize that no matter how hard I try I will never be desirable or attractive to anyone, ever.

I just need to be loved. We all do. God is love and He created us with this basic need to be loved. I just need someone who can look past the physical and the broken and see something in me that no one else does. I need to find someone that loves me enough to help me heal. I need someone to look at me and think, What a woman! That's my girl! and to smile when they think about me or hear my name. I need to be special to someone, to mean the world to someone, to be attractive to someone, to be seen as "beautiful" to someone because they love me. I wish I was pretty because then I would have a higher chance of being loved.