Wanna Play?

I still remember, and miss, when I was a kid and friends would come to my house and knock on my door and ask, Wanna play? It was the universal kid-call becokoning to come outside and play, to join in on the fun, to be included, and it was wonderful. And so off we'd go, jumping on the bikes, or the skateboards or on foot, and the "gang" of us would head off to the park, the schoolyard, to somebody's house, or to the pool or the rink or the hill and hang out and have fun.We'd tool around the neighbourhood, play in the park, go skating, toboganning,go to the variety store, play tennis at the tennis courts in the school yard if they were available or use the swings, winding them up high around the poles to "save" so the little kids couldn't reach, swinging so high we could "pump" it, making the poles lift off the ground, making it feel like you could fly.

I was never bored as a kid even though my kids don't believe it. They can't see how being a kid in the 70's and a teen in the 80's without the modern  technology of today( other than when I got my Atari video game ststem when I was 15 and my Walkman for music and my Commodore 64computer) they can't see how I wasn't bored out of my skull, but I wasn't. I was never bored as a kid; even being an only child. I was lonely but I was never bored. I always had a very vivid and lively imagination so even when my friends weren't around to hang out with I still found creative things to do and ways to spend my time such as drawing, colouring books,writing stories, making funny voices and skits ect. on my cassette tape machine, making comics and cartoons, having parties with my stuffed toys, playing pretend and dress-up, making forts, being outdoors exploring, swimming,playing with dolls and Barbie, making up funny stories, songs,games, etc. and of course as a teen going to the mall. Those were the best times. I was happy then. I really miss those days and wish I could go back. Before I was broken. Before I was so lost and so damaged by life. When I used to be the Old Me. Before the worst of the traumas destroyed me.Having friends call on me also gave me a sense of inclusion and belonging, something I haven't felt as an adult other than at the YMCA group in Ottawa. I really miss those guys.

The kids also seem to have the impression that since I missed church that I'm having spiritual doubts or some sort of crisis of faith or something,too, but the truth is I was just sick and couldn't even barely sit, let alone stand up. I missed not going, and even though there will probably always be some sort of doctrinal questions, inconsistances, and such my faith in God has never and will never waver. It is only because of God and His love and provision that I am still alive today; that I have been able to endure as long as I have and survive all that I have and I will never lose my faith and love of God and if there's any question or doubt on Scriptural or Liturgical matters I always balance it with: is it loving? Is it merciful? Is it kind? and if it is, then it's from God,and if not, then it isn't.

I also saw this rare old photo of my hubby and his family when he was a kid, the only photo of him as a kid as far as I'm aware and this has always struck me as oddly strange and disturbing; I mean, we have thousands upon thousands of photos of our kids at all various ages and esp. when they were little; I mean, who doesn't have tons of baby and kid photos of themselves from when they were little? It just seems so weird, so creepy almost....and I noticed in the photo too his eyes......they had this stone- cold, hard, piercing, chilling sould-less stare, and unlike his siblings, he wasn't smiling either, and I saw the exact same soul-less, heartless stare in him then that I also see in one of our own boys, and it worries me, esp. as I know and have seen a dark side of him that very few others have. I've seen what he's capable of; I've seen a rage and a cruelty, a violence, a sociopathic narcisstic, callous, cold, calculating, selfish, exposive, all-encompassing rage like I've never seen before, that I've tried to shield from the kids, that I'm not even sure they know exists and I wonder if his family must have seen at some point too. I know so many things that no one knows I know.