Upstream.

I saw a photo of salmon swimming upstream to spawn(like the one pictured here) the other day and it reminded me of myself: always swimming against the current, going against the crowd, going backwards, going my own way, the opposite of everyone else. As an experienced swimmer, I know that if you get caught up in a current it's easier to swim along with it rather than against it, but, of course, you don't do unless you want to get swept out to sea, and so you have to swim against it, but it's not easy, and, in fact, it's very hard, and it takes alot of energy and strength and it's very tiring, very exhausting, and most likely why once salmon spawn they die.

Swimming upstream or against the current is hard work. it's not easy to go the opposite way but then the thought occurred to me: it also must mean that you are very strong; that you have endurance, to be able to fight againt it, and so here I am. I have endured, I have survived. I have spent most of my life swimming upstream, against the current, in order to survive. All the traumas and hardships in my life, always having to fight, to struggle, to make it thru, to go against, to stand up, to fight back, to resist, being different, being outcast, being bullied, being abused, being rejected, just being me. it hasn't been an easy journey, and in churchyesterday the priest said that the closer one is to God the more Satan attacks them but also that it's thru struggle, suffering and healing that one becomes closer and more dependent on God as well.

I've luckily always been a strong swimmer.

As well the week in Toronto for my hubby's been cancelled and I'm disappointed as I was looking forward to a break with him not here, and my mother was complaining how we need so much work done on the house, so many repairs, such as the peeling ceilings and walls and collapsing walls, etc. but can't afford to hire anyone so my hubby has to do it but instead of fixing the house that's falling apart he spends all his free time making his stupid Cosplay costume for his Anime convention( he never has his priorities straight) and the 15 and 17 YR olds go on and on about saving the whales and the turtles as well yet when I mentioned about child slave labour at sweatshops that make their fave. clothing brands they just shrugged, and all weekend my pain was really bad,too, 8 out of 10 on the pain scale and so bad I almost puked from the pain, worst in abdomen, stomach and lower back and now it's more in the ribs on the right side. I wish I knew what it was so it could be treated, and in Mass yesterday I saw a lady with a fur hat and it brought back memories of my Babushka and her mink hats and how she'd let me try them on and I'd pose in front of the mirror, feeling grand and glamourous.