Childhood Memories.

The other day I was contemplating, as dying feels like it's coming closer and closer, my happiest childhood memories(there are many, such as at the cottage, camp, visiting relatives, summer, Christmases, friends,etc.) but the 2 that stuck out the most were when I was 4-5 and I would go to the park near my house, just at the end of our street and I would lay down, cross my arms across my chest, legs stretched out but together and roll down that big hill. It was sooooo much fun and for some reason I'd always end up going down side-ways or in a arc, never roll straight down,and when I got to the end I'd be so far off-course I'd laugh and say How did I get all the way over here? and I'd get up and stagger around, all dizzy, and then I'd laugh and laugh and keep getting up and doing it over and over again and how mad my mother always was for getting grass stains on my clothes, esp. on the knees of my pants.....

Another vivid memory that stands out was when I was in grade 2 and I was in the park again( a different park this time as we'd moved) and I was wearing my lilac purple quilted jacket and the Monarch butterflies were migrating and there were hundreds of them, if not more, flying all over, all around me, filling the sky, and it was one of the most amazing, magnificent moments of my life, just pure joy and a moment I will never forget. It was magic. It's too bad as an adult I don't have moments like that anymore. I really miss that.

This is also my Easter chocolate.....and it's not even Easter yet but in my defence it is chocolate which is my biggest weakness, temptation,and addiction, and besides, for actual Easter itself I won't be here, but in Jamaica. I still feel ghastly with my bleeding and pain; pain level now 8/10 on the pain scale and all I want to do is curl up somewhere and separate myself from the pain and it's always worse when I'm bleeding too; I couldn't even go to Mass last night for Holy Thursday ( church 3 times this week for Holy Week) and I'm still not quite sure yet if I can make it later today for Good Friday Mass, either; every time I stand up I feel like I'm going to faint.....shit....just as long as I can get on that plane Sunday morning I'll be able to make it and I don't need much stamina or energy once I'm there to haul my ass to the beach or to the buffet so I should be ok. I'm determined to make it to Jamaica before I die.

I also think I really do have some sort of reproductive cancer and now even more so as when I tried to insert my Diva Cup ( which holds more blood than a tampon and also measures the amount so you can see how much you're bleeding) it wouldn't fit in; it would only go part-way up and then kept popping out and even with the tampons I can actually feel it up there( normally you can't and don't even notice there's something there) and it feels uncomfortable and at times even hurts and even without it at times when I sit down I can actually feel like there's something hard I'm sitting on, like a tennis ball or something.....is it a tumour, perhaps?

We also got our new car and it looks like a FBI car; black with tinted windows and my friend T from Ottawa joked we should get fake bullet-hole stickers and put it on the side of the car just for laughs, and one of my cousins who lives in Europe and his wife are now on holidays in L.A. where I lived for awhile in 1984 and it's not a good place to live due to the crime but it's a fabulous place to visit!