Healing.

I saw this beautiful glittery butterfly and the thought occurred to me: This is what I hope to transform to in Heaven: beautiful and able to fly. Both my dreams would come true( along with my other dreams: to find happiness and love). I'd love nothing more than to be able to fly, to soar and just be free and to not be ugly. I wish I was beautiful, and to only hear the words I never will(or at least not in this lifetime) Wow! She's soooo beautiful! I just want to shine, to glitter, to be fabulous, free,glorious, breath-taking, gorgeous,shimmery, sparkly, everything I'm currently not but always wished I was and dreamed I could be.

My brother-in-law D is also always hassling me for always being so negative as well (but he's a drunk so he really can't criticize me for being negative) and I told him(like I always do) that I have a good reason for being negative; that my life has made me that way,and if he had to go theu even half what I have in life he'd be negative,too. If only people could walk in my shoes or even spend a day in my head then they would clearly see why I am the way I am and how it's hard to be positive when all you've ever gotten is the short end of the stick in life.

My friend P (from grade 6) and her BF are also in the Mexican Riviera for her late birthday celebration. They travel 2-3 times a year and he always takes her somewhere on a trip for Christmas and her birthday. He's a keeper. I can't believe in just 4 more days the ocean will be singing me to sleep as well and my friend M in Brazil said she doesn't think I'll have any abdomenal pain the entire time I'm in Jamaica,either; implying that maybe it's just stress-related, that my toxic life here with my family is causing all my physical ailments so it will be interesting to see. Maybe when I get away from the constant cause of stress I will "recover" and feel better for the week, sort of like every time I go back to Toronto, even if just for a day, I "transform" and feel like the Old Me again, I come alive and it feels like a new energy, a new life surges thru me and I almost feel reborn, away from this house, this place , my family, this toxic environment and all the stress. It's true that you can't heal in the same environment that made you sick. You have to separate yourself from a toxic environment in order to get well again; it's like living in a place with toxic mold and wondering why you aren't getting any better....