Missing Jamaica.

It's been over 2 weeks now since I got back from Jamaica and I really miss it. Pretty well every day since has been cold and rainy here( right now it's 7 C and still raining and foggy too) with maybe a grand total of 2-3 days where we had sun and I've been able to keep up my tan. Both the lake and the bay have peaked and if they get any higher we'll have a flood and it's only the middle of May and we're already had more rain than the usual for the entire month of May on average. Enough rain already. I'm so sick of it. 40 days and 40 nights? What? Are we going to have to start building an ark?

Some days it seems not that long ago I was just away and other times it seems much longer, like it was far away, in a dream and not even real. I miss sunsets on the beach, the crash of the waves, sharing doobies on the beach with Rastas(and did you know the reason you pass it on the left-hand side is bexcause the left side is closest to the heart and we are all of one heart, one blood, one love) diving beneath the waves, digging my toes in the sand, sitting under swaying palms, laying out stretched out in the sun, the solitude, freedom and peace of being alone with no worries, hassles, or stress, just laying back in an easy-going atmosphere where life moves slowly and everyone is happy, smiling, friendly, and full of life and love.

Yesterday the oldest finally sent me a late Mother's Day wish and also apologizing for what he did to my vagine, ha, ha. He said he "forgot" Mother's Day because Sunday was Game of Thrones (oh, my God, he's one of those people; I'm one of the 1% that's never even seen one episode; I have nothing against it; it's just not my thing and you can only watch so much on TV) and he was born 4 days late so I guess it kind of makes sense he wishes me a Mother's Day 3 days late,too. I guess that's just how he rolls; he's just always late? He also said he thought I was still probably in Jamaica as I don't have a blog anymore to keep everyone updated.....except that I still do.....this blog....this new one.....this secret one that no one knows about, so that they can't make fun of it, insult it, tear it apart, censor it, etc. like they did with my old one. This one is just mine; my secret private place where I can just vent, unload, share, express myself, etc. without them attacking it. I was almost tempted to tell him about it as he's the one I trust the most yet something still held me back, for fear he still might tell them, even just let it slip one day and I just can't risk it. I need something that's just mine.

Later today I see the doc about my scan results,too: this could be it: it could be the day I finally get answers and find out what's causing all my troubles, potentially even the day I find out I have cancer....I feel nervous, anxious, excited, etc... all rolled into one.....I might finally find out after 2 years of suffering and decline.....or, I might not. Maybe we're still no further ahead, but it must have shown something or else why the urgency; why do I have to come in and see him and so quickly, when normally he just tells me results over the phone? Also what keeps sticking in my mind is when I left the scan the tech said to me, Good luck...... I wonder what exactly did she mean  by that? She said she wasn't allowed to tell me what she saw; that I had to wait for the doctor's report.....what exactly did  she see.....???