Soul-Crushing.

It's now official. I am now officially old.

Yesterday I was out the front pulling up dandilions ( my yearly war on the little f*ckers and I swear for every one I pull up 2 grow back in their place and I don't care what people say about leaving them on your lawn as they're good for the bees, etc..... f*ck it.... I don't care.... dandilions are so ghetto and make a property look so unkempt......there's only one kind of WEED I like and it's NOT dandilions!!) and an old man(likely in his 70's) comes by and says to me in a friendly way, You should have the GRANDCHILDREN do that for you! and just like that my soul was crushed, my spirit was broken and I felt like an old hag. He thinks I have grandchildren? Do I really look that old? Holy shit.....I'm just 52 (and I still feel young inside) how old do I look? How old do people think I am? On the inside I still feel like I'm 15 but my body betrays me, not only the physical decline but I guess I look like a haggard old hag now too and other people can tell.

I feel so deflated.

He didn't mean it in a "bad" way, he didn't mean to offend; he was just trying to be friendly, and I just gritted my teeth and forced a fake smile and nodded my head meanwhile on the inside I was dying and holding back the flood of tears, feeling like an ugly old troll, just like I was kicked in the gut, just shattered and like I'd had the wind knocked out of me. My youngest is just 12 YR old's for f*ck's sake......sure my oldest will be 30 this year but none of my kids are married or have kids yet(and most of them don't even want kids; they saw how much trouble they were and don't want to have to go thru that) and the fact that someone thought I look old enough to be a grandmother really hit me hard.

I just want to crawl into a hole and die.It was just a mere 14 YRS ago when I took some of the kids across Europe and people actually thought I looked so young I was their sister. No joke. What happened?

As well, the bleeding started again and it seems to occur every 2 weeks now and lasts 5 days or so so I hardly get much break in-between and the doctor's office called yesterday too (in fact, I had 5 phonecalls, 4 medical and the 12 YR old's sponsor for Confirmation, which is probably more than I usually get in an entire year) and I have a repeat scan next month, this time to check the new cyst on my bladder. There's always something....