Father's Day.

Father's Day has always been a hard day for me to relate to and to get thru. Growing up without a dad ( they split up when I was 2 and I never saw him again, and this was in the 70's; I was the only kid without a dad so it was weird) it was always hard when the day came around and in school we had to craft the obligatory Father's Day cards and of course I had no one to make it for or give it to and I felt really awkward, embarrassed and left out so my mother always just told told me to make one for my Dedushka instead since he was a father but it still felt weird and then as I got older I realized what an awkward position that must have also put him in as well as he and my father didn't get along, and so much so in fact that when my father would come over to visit his parents Dedushka wouldn't even stand to be in the same room as him, so I suppose that getting a yearly reminder that he had a son he was estranged from  wasn't such a good thing but of course as a kid I had no idea but when I grew up and found out I felt badly about it. As I was growing up I also used to think Dedushka was just a cold, aloof, emotionaless person as well who never showed affection but then as an adult found out the truth, his back-story, the real reason why: he just never learned how to love; he was never taught how to love, never shown love, and his own father was so abusive he had to leave home at 14 on his own( after his father beat him unconscious and he worked on farms and slept in the barn, never to return home again) to escape the abuse, so he never learned how to be a father himself or how to love, connect with, or relate to, a child. it's really quite sad.

As for the present-day with my own hubby, it's still also hard; not only is it a day I could never relate to, never having a father figure of my own, but now the kids always make such a big deal over it, worshipping him like he's a king and making such a big deal over it, fawning all over him, and making him home-made cards, but for Mother's Day they don't for me and it barely goes by unnoticed; it's such a blatant contrast it's really glaringly obvious and it's hurtful. All in all, it's still a hard day for me to get thru and still makes me feel left out and apart from everyone else. It's always a day I dread as it approaches and a day I'm relieved when it's over.