Grad.

Here's the 20 YR old in her official Graduation photo, graduating in Journalism. Isn't she just so beautiful? She's always been pretty. I honestly have no idea how that happened; she just got lucky I guess. I don't have a photo of the 23 YR old's grad from Psychology though as she doesn't want me in her life; she thinks I'm this awful monster of a mother and I honestly don't know why; I don't really think I was that bad. I did the best I could with what I had, I meant well and had good intentions and all I ever did was try to protect the kids and raise them godly. I never beat them and wasn't abusive, and I must have done something right since none of them ended up on drugs, in gangs, in jail, on the street, teen parents, in trouble with the police, etc. and most of them have even gone on to get post-secondary educations,too.

My only guess: they don't like it that I "forced" them to go to Church, but a little religion, values, ethics,and morals never hurt anybody and I wanted to raise them right, and that's hardly a reason to hate me and banish me from their lives, and I'm the one who disciplines and sets rules; my hubby never does; he's the ones that's just only played with them but never set boundaries or rules or punishes; that's always been my job, so I guess I'm seen as the "Bad Guy" so maybe that's it, or maybe it's because I struggle with trauma issues, mental health issues, etc. but then again so does my hubby too and they don't hate or blame him for it so why just single out me......

My only other guess is that perhaps it's because they had to grow up in a culture of fear and on the run, always in hiding, looking over their shoulder, sort of like in Witness Protection as we had to flee an enemy 16 YRS ago and run for our lives, secretly relocating undercover of the night, like in some thriller movie, only this was our real life and it was terrifying, and we had to lay low, flying under the radar to avoid detection, and every time there was a knock at the door the kids knew the drill: hide under the table or elsewhere and they'd memorized their aliases they might have to give one day  one day just in case, and we always lived in fear if they caught up to us we'd have to move hurriedly again, which we never did but there was always that dread, that fear, that uncertainty hanging over us, we lived like fugitives for so long until the day came we found out the threat had been neutralized and at last we were safe. Maybe they blame me for having to live like that because the enemy was mine and it was me they were after and intent on destroying and put my family at risk but I did what I had to do to protect them and to keep them safe and it worked. I was put in a situation where I had no other choice and I did the best I could. perhaps they blame me for the situation and for planning, orchestrating and carrying out the plan where we had to suddenly and abruptly leave our home and our lives behind and just pick up and flee and lives the next several years in hiding, giving false addresses, making painstaking efforts to not be traced, being vigilant, never getting too close to anyone,etc. but we had no choice and it kept us safe.

Whatever it was I did, or didn't do, I'm sorry. I don't even really know what I did that was so bad, where I went wrong, what they hate me for, but whatever it was I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, realize it, or intend to. All I ever tried to do was protect them and keep them safe( which I did, even though it was also at a great cost to my own self, incl. severe traumatic PTSD and sacrifice in my own life) but I never meant to hurt or damage them in any way and if I did I'm sorry and as for my emotional issues and damage I can't help being what I am but I'm sorry for being me and I pray you can forgive me and also remember the good times as well as the bad.

This is also one of the roads in our town damaged from the flooding after a dam broke.

Damn. Pretty bad, huh?