Left Behind.

The closet in the hall near the front door got cleaned out while my hubby re-painted the hall ( he tore down the nice floral wallpaper I liked and now painted it an ugly institutional grey, ugh, it reminds me of a school boiler room or a prison) and we ended up with 10 or so big garbage bags full of shoes we donated to charity but when they were all hauled off I noticed that these 2 shoes got left behind; one of mine9on the left) and an old loafer from one of the older boys. With mine I went thru my shoes and was looking for the mate of this one and never did find it but the loafer I guess it just fell out of the bag somehow and got left behind but when I saw it laying there abandoned it made me sad, being left behind and it brought back memories of when the kids were younger, to happier, better times that I look back at fondly at miss. Life was better then when the kids were little, when they were still young, when they still loved me, when we were still close, when they were happy, before they were troubled and broken, before all the trauma, stress, illness, mental illness,hardships, etc. Life was easier then, for me, for them, for all of us. It was a much happier time and I miss it. I wish I could go back to that time.Times were different, everyone was different, life was different. We weren't jaded and damaged then. Our family hadn't fallen apart, we used to be close and get along, the kids weren't damaged, I hadn't yet broken and given up, we were in a good place. Seeing the shoe of when the older boys were young brought it all back, making me wish I could have it back again. I miss those days.

My back is still sooooo bad I couldn't even go to church yesterday; I can't even sit up; I can only lay down so how could I possibly manage sitting in those hard wooden pews, plus any change in position sends me into screaming agony and during Mass there's lots of standing, sitting, kneeling, and repeat...probably a good one to miss though as a day before Canada Day I know they'd sing the National Anthem at the end and I as always never do; I just silently stand there in an act of silent protest; I'm not going to sing and praise a country I hate, that would be hypocritical. As for today we're having a BBQ and yesterday I just went up to bed and had a nap and slept most of the day to rest my back and Buddy spent the whole time up there with me pressed close right next to me resting his head on my leg. He could tell I was hurting. He takes such good care of me. My sunflowers are also so tall now they've outgrown the lid I cover them up with at night or during storms and my friend in Brazil is having another episode struggling with mental illness and this time's it's really bad and her parents took her daughter away. I feel so badly for her and it's like watching a train wreck but there's really nothing I can do other than be there for her, and pray for her.