I Still Remember.

The 16 YR old claims she "forgot" all of our funny little games, songs, and rituals of her childhood that we used to do when she was younger and we used to be so close, things like Cuddle Time, Buttle, Fatheads, The Underwear head Club, Prince Dickweed, Cut The Mustard, I Spy...., Who Am I ?  Would You Rather? etc. I'm hoping though that she really hasn't forgotten but rather that she just pretends to. I, however, still remember and will never forget. Those were happy times. I miss those times. We were so close then when she was little. She was my littel Princess. I always wanted a girl like her that I could bond with, be close to, love to bits, delight in, etc. and I had her.....until she got older and grew away from me, became troubled and turned away, severing our bond and pushing me away, breaking my heart, because I always still loved her, and I still do. I never stopped.

Even as she was in the deepest darkest throes of her eating disorder and being self-injurous a couple of years ago I was still there, even when she pushed me away the most and was the absolute meanest to me I still refused to give up on her, because that's when she needed me the most, even if she didn't want me, even when it appeared everyone else was growing tired and weary and giving up, I wouldn't because that's what love is, and she got thru it, we all did, with the grace of God. She's in recovery now but our relationship has never gone back to what it once was even though I still long for it and I keep trying to reconnect. It feels like an empty hole left in my heart. I miss it. I miss her. I will always remember and I will always love her and be here for her and support her and she will still always be one of my favourites but I still remember. I still remember(and cherish) what we had even if she forgets or claims to forget. I never will. I will always carry the happy memories in my heart.

Now the kids have all pushed me away I have also noticed I've "re-defined" myself and see myself differently now than I used to in the past, such as on my Facebook profile; I used to describe myself as a Homeschooling mother who likes hippos, has a European heart, sorrowful soul, and a Rasta spirit but now I have edited it as : Loves hippos. European heart, sorrowful soul, Rasta spirit. Bipolar. Free-spirit. Rebel. Warrior. Survivor. I no longer identify myself along with my kids and family since they push me out and I'm not welcome in my family or considered a part of it, now I see myself as more of an individual, speparate from my toxic family and I think that's a good thing and a sign of detachment and healing.