My Close-Call.

Yesterday before I went up tohave a nap I quickly put Buddy out the back tp pee so he'd be good for awhile and as I was going towards the back door I felt something drip on my head and I looked up and saw water dripping from the kitchen ceiling-again-even though the roofer claimed he fixed the leaking roof, and so I called out to my mother in the next room the roof's still leaking and she didn't believe me, and so I proceeded to the door......and as soon as I got there and stood at the back door waiting for him to finish his business I heard this tremendously loud booming crashing sound right behimd  me, literally where I was just standing mere seconds before; a big chunk of the ceiling had just come crashing down onto the kitchen floor, mere inches from my head, right where I had just been standing seconds earlier! Holy shit! (it's seen here after my hubby cleaned up the hole a bit; he's since patched it up) and my response was yelling out to my mother, See, I told you the roof was still leaking!

Boy, that was sure a close-call; just mere seconds before it would have hit me right on the head and well, you can imagine. It landed right behind me, I could even feel a breeze it made. God was certainly watching out over me, just like He always has but the question is why? it's obviously not My Time yet and He still has plans for me and my life, but what? Why am I still here? Despite my pleas and prayers to be set free and to die and repeated suicide attempts even I'm still here and now this; a potential close-call with death and yet I came thisclose but survived. I'm not meant to go yet, but why? I feel like I'm ready but maybe God doesn't think I am? maybe I still have some yet-unresolved issues I have to still wrap up before I go; some unanswered questions perhaps, unresolved sin, reconciliation, self-awareness, self-improvement, etc. who knows, that still needs to be resolved, cleared up, dealt with, etc. before I'm free and can let go? Some kind of "score" that still needs to be settled before I can truly be set free? I have mixed-emotions about the close-call though; about God sparing me; in one way I feel grateful for saving me but in another way pissed-off; why does He keep saving me when all I want to do is go?