The Eye Doctor.

The 12 YR old went to the eye doctor(Opthamologist) in Kingston to get a closer look at what the optician saw during his recent eye exam, a "shadow" or "spot" or whatever it was at the back of his eye they thought indicates predisposition for future migraines (like I started getting at 13). This was at a clinic though so it took all day. He got the drops in and all kinds of tests and all she saw was possibly what might be "bumps on the nerves at the back of the eye" but he's going to get an ultrasound "just in case, just to be sure....." just in case and just to be sure of what though? She said it didn't seem to be anything but there's always that lingering doubt.....why the ultrasound? What exactly are they possibly looking for? A tumour, or something? Do they think he might have Retinoblastoma, or something? I mean, if all really is well, then why the need for the ultrasound? What else do they think could possibly be there? It's shit like this and uncertaintly and that possibility and things left undone and unsaid that nag at my anxiety and send me into a panic every time....

I also finally got my T-shirt after 3 months; the first one I never got from the other place; either lost or stolen in the mail, the second attempt I ordered from another place and it was refused at customs so they sent me another one I finally got yesterday, Why does everything always have to be so hard for me all the time though? My friend S says it's because Life likes to shit on good people. He's just so right. I think I might be cursed. Nothing ever goes easy for me or works out, esp. NOT the first, or even second or third time.

Here is the 24 YR old next to my tallest sunflower. Yesterday was also my friend I's (from grade 8 ) 32nd wedding anniversay; she got married at 19 and they're still together ( and happy!) and expecting their first grandchild. I'm happy for her and I wish I could find someone that makes me feel alive, like I do when I hear ABBA's Dancing Queen; someone who makes me feel loved, valued, cherished, desired, beautiful, special, but I think that there's some people that are just meant to be alone and I think that's me. I don't think there's really anyone out there for me. I am a lone wolf. My hubby also insists he's taking me to the CNE and the KISS concert together, on the same day , 2 weeks tomorrow even though it's on a Saturday and I don't like going to the "Ex" on a weekend( plus, it's only the day after it's opened so all the vendors may not even all be open fully yet) as it's always crowded; all 2 million of the population of Toronto will likely be on the Midway that day and I prefer going during the week with less people, and it'll be such a long, tiring, exhausting day, but he won't go out of his way just for me and take me into the city 2 different days, even though he would for anyone else.

My father-in-law's funeral is tomorrow as well and the out-of-town girls mentioned they might be going but none of the ones here will be( the 16 YR old showed interest, the 18 YR old just cooly brushed it off) as they have to work and I don't think the 12 YR old should as he's too young and it might upset him as he's never seen a dead body before, and there's no way my hubby can go; he can't handle anything to do with death(and he never went to his mother's) and it will just trigger him into another "episode" and I'm not; it's his family,not mine, and I'd feel awkward and weird going anyway without him and I hate social events and having to mingle and socialzie anyway and I'd be uncomfortable with his crazy sister there, the one that kidnapped the second-oldest when she was a baby and I had to go to court to get her back. I'll be there in spirit though.