BDE.

My Buddy is the Best Dog Ever (BDE). Later yesterday he gave me quite a scare and I was convinced I was losing him. he is 13 afterall and the thought is never far from my mind but yesterday I thought that was it; I was out in the yard on my chair with him beside me on his cushion whenhe made this weird noise I've never heard before so I looked over at him to check and he didn't look "right"; floppy and staring off into space so I picked him up and held him close to me and his eyes just sort of glazed over and he went lipm and he had shallow breathing and his heartbeat kept getting fainter and fainter and it got to a point I could barely detect it and he wasn't responsive and I just lost it. I was cradling his limp unresponsive body in my arms, crying my eyes out repeating over and over, I love you! I love you! I love you! telling him how he's the best dog ever, the best dog I've ever had, the best dog in the world, the best friend I've ever had. my entire life, begging him not to leave me, begging God not to take him from me, to restore him, and slowly he started to come "back" is the best way I can describe it; he came "out" of it and slowly opened his eyes and his breathing inproved and he looked around startled and disoriented, confused, like when you wake up out of an anesthesia. I was so relieved and thankful to have him back again! I thought for sure he was dying and he was gone . I don't know if he had a heart attack or what, but something  happened to him; he had an episode of some sort.

Then an hour later he had another "spell" which appeard to me to look like a "focal" seizure; he just kept staring intently straight ahead, as if he was looking at something only he could see, and he zoned out, glassy-eyed and unresponsive but he never went rigid or spastic and it only lasted a few seconds and then he came out of it. This happened a couple of more times and he spent most of the day listless and sleeping and it looks like the "light" has gone from his eyes too; they look dull and listless, and he's no longer his happy cheerful self; he doesn't wag his tail anymore and that thing used to be constantly wagging; it was like a propeller non-stop and it's sad; it's like there's just an empty shell left. Last night before bed I cuddled extra long with him fearing he would be dead in the morning and he "told" me he's dying and I'm just absolutely gutted. he's my best friend, the only one that loves me, the only love, light, joy and happiness in my life. When he's gone I'll have nothing left anymore. He is my everything. No one has any idea how much my emtional well-being depends on him and his love and companionship; how lost and lonely I'd be without him, how much he means to me. He's not able to go for his full walks anymore now,either but can only go part-way and he gets tired and pulls me back. It breaks my heart. The day he dies is the day I  die too because he will take my heart with him. We share a special connection and a close bond and when he dies a piece of me will die with him.

The other day Buddy showed his loyalty and how much he loves me,too: we were out in the back and I was napping in my chair under a small roof shelter and was unaware it had started to rain  and he barked to wake me up and alert me to go inside. Now, the door was open the whole time; I leave it open for him to go back and forth inside and out if he wants shade or to eat, etc. so he could have just as easily rain inside out of the rain but he refused to leave me outside in the rain and he wouldn't go in until I was awake and safely inside. That's how sweet and devoted he is. I checked on Google as well and it said an older dog that suddenly presents with seizures it usually means they have a brain tumour, and if that's the case it's a poor prognosis and it breaks my heart. I just hope it's quick and he doesn't suffer. I also want to be there with him when the times comes so he doesn't die alone. As hard as it will be for me I want him to die cradled in my arms so he knows he's loved and that I'll never leave him.

I also got a whispering from the Holy Spirit that I  have bladder cancer, and I have lost alot of weight lately as well and I esp. notice it in my face, now thinner with saggy skin and my "turkey neck" and "double chin" are gone( which is a good thing) and my hands used to have "spongy" parts on them but now they're all thin and bony with just loose baggy skin, and my pants are looser, etc. and I can't believe the davastation the the Bahamas from Hurricane Dorian; I've been there a couple of times and I remember my mother telling me when she and my father were first married they owned property in the Bahamas and the plan was to move there and retire. They ended up selling it when they split up but can you just imagine; she's at retirement age now (she's 78) so to think she could have been living there now during that catastrophe!!