Episode 3.

Buddy had another episode Sunday night. He was laying beside me in bed for the night getting ready for bed and I had the light on as I was reading and I noticed he didn't look right; he was laying there looking spaced-out, staring straight ahead and not responding to my voice so I picked him up and layed him on my chest to cuddle and he was floppy and I once again feared this was it, that he was dying. It's so hard to keep going thru this. I also put my ear to his chest and I could hear a whoosh sound either from his heart or lungs, so does he perhaps have a breathing issue or a heart murmur or something I wonder? What is it? Then after a few minutes he slowly came out of it and sniffed my face and recognizing my scent he started wagging his tail and licked my face and I knew he was back. He hadn't had one in a week( or at least not that I saw,anyway) and now he had his third episode. It's scary as hell to witness and I wonder what it was?

As well, the 18 YR old in Vancouver found a job already; the 20 YR old got her one in her company working for a charity and in a good week she can make 800$! My mother also went back to the ER last night convinced she has pneumonia now from laying on the couch for the past week only getting up to pee; she says every time she coughs or takes a breath or moves her chest hurts so they took an X-ray and said her lungs didn't look too bad....but gave her an antibiotic anyway because she kept pestering them.She also has an app't at the orthopedic clinic today which she keeps trying to get out of, not wanting to hear what they have to say which is the dumbest thing ever; she's just so stubborn and it reminds me of a kid not wanting to go to the dentist. I mean, if she's suffering that much you'd think she'd want to go and see what's wrong and get it fixed, right? I think she actually likes wallowing in her own pity and being helpless and having everyone wait on her even though it's a burden to everyone else and causing tension in the house. She whines she's looked after everyone else her whole life and now it's our turn to look after her but she's really overdoing it and taking advantage of it.

My hubby even had the nerve to say to me that I can help and that I don't do anything because I wouldn't run upstairs to get the 24 YR old(I yelled upstairs to him instead), even though with my breathing issues I can't go up and down stairs without getting out of breath and almost passing out(which is why I only do so twice a day; coming down in the morning and going up at night) but no one cares about my medical issues or gives a shit about me or realizes that my mother isn't the only one with medical issues because it's just me and I don't matter. I'd like to see him do all the household work like I do and then have someone dismiss it and tell him he does nothing and see how he feels, or better yet how about if I stop everything I'm doing and see if they notice the difference and then realize oh, yeah, I guess she was doing alot afterall...I sadly realized that my toxic family will never stop devaluing, degrading, and dismissing me, putting me down, treating me like I don't matter,etc.

I also slept in today until 7:30 am and that never happens ( if my hubby knew he'd call me lazy) but I've been so exhausted lately, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I also feel like I'm at a cross-roads in life, and my poor health continues to decline and I'm plagued by stress, worry, and anxiety, I'm not sleeping well, losing weight, and am just so run-down I don't know much much longer I can last or how much more I can take. I also have headaches almost daily, and wake up with sore bumps on the back of my head( how does this keep happening?) and my abdomenal twinges and pain is worse and I have blood in my pee,too, so maybe I really do have bladder cancer, and for the past week my stomach hurts as well so is it a medical issue( is my ulcer back again?) or am I not getting enough to eat or is it just stress and anxiety?