The LOOK.

Every mother has perfected The Look (reserved for when the kids get REALLY bad and out of line, usually in public) down to a craft, a fine art, so that with just once glance they can reduce their kids to a quivering cringing mass that hunches over with their tail between their legs and slinks away , myself incl. and it even works on my hubby too, but the Look my mother gave me yesterday was entirely different and on a whole new level and equal to the callous, cold hate-filled stare of contempt that my hubby gave me awhile ago and it was chiiling and broke my heart. We had a BBQ yesterday for the holiday Labour Day weekend, the last of the summer, and I was outside for hours and hadn't gone to the bathroom (and I haven't been peeing much for the past week and normally I go every few minutes so I'm pretty sure my kidneys are shutting down) and by then I really had to pee and once I have to go the urgency comes on quite fast and I have to go right then and I can't hold it so off I raced to the bathroom and she was on the toilet and so I made some crack about her always being on there every time I have to go and she just scowled and gave me this red-eyed blood-shot eyed (I think she must have Pink-Eye again or something; she always keeps getting it) look of pure contempt, hate,rage, seething anger, malice, disgust, etc. like she wanted to kill me! It was chilling and just broke my heart. No matter how old you are when your own mother looks at you like that it breaks your heart and makes you feel unloved. She kept at it for a good 5 minutes and it was making me very uneasy and uncomfortable, esp. being on The Spectrum I don't like looking people directly in the eye anyway and try to look away and I told her, Don't look at me like that! and she snarled, How else do you want me to look at you? and in those few moments it just summed up how she feels about me , unloved, hated, small, demeaned, like I was nothing and never mattered, like a piece of shit you scrape off the bottom of your shoe.

The 21 YR old also phoned from Edmonton last night, for no particular reason, just because, and it was nice. It was nice hearing from him, and a Facebook friend was posting live as the shooting in Odessa Texas was taking place too as it was happening right in her own town and she kept everyone updated saying how they were evacuating the Wal-mart, and it was just so unreal but a reality of daily life in USA and it's crazy insane all the mass shootings and people continue to die but nothing ever changes because gun rights matter more than human lives, and I can't believe it's September already either and time to put up my fall decorations on the house; fall wreath, fall leaf garlands and scarecrow.....wow....just wow....Other cousins of mine are also on another cruise(this time a world cruise for either 3 or 6 months, I forgot) and they're now in Iceland and having trouble getting wi-fi and I shaved my head again and when I shave my head I feel like Me again, like something inside me is set free, the free Spirit, the Rebel, I've always been but that society has always tried to mould and suppress.