Unfurl Me.

I need to unfurl myself. With my anxiety I always feel like I'm so tightly curled up, wound up, furled, in a ball, a knot, squeezed tight, rolled up, folded up, etc, and I need to unfurl, to open up, to expand, to spread open wide, to unfold, to let go, to be released, set free, to bloom, to blossom, to break free, to not be so contained, to burst out, to spread out and reach. That's how I feel with weed. It allows me to let go, to set myself free, to expand to to just let go and to just be. I can literally feel the tension leaving my body, I feel every muscle relax and my body go limp, I can feel a peacefulness settle over me and it feels like my spirit, my essence, leaving my physical body and I feel a floating sensation and it feels like I'm free, like I've temporarily left all the anxiety, stress, worry, pain, etc. behind. I'm in a separate time and place where it's quiet and peaceful and I can just float around peacefully and soar. That's what I imagine dying feels like only permanantly. You don't have to ever return back to your broken old physical body or all the stress and shit of your life. You  just unfurl and let go and float away into serenity and peace.

School also started yesterday and now with our homeschooling we're only down to 2 students; the 12 YR old who's doing grade 10 this year because he's a genius and skipped grades and the 16 YR old doing grade 11 but she also hopes to do grade 12 too as she wants to graduate early and move out to BC with her sister, and the 18 YR old moves out there in 2 weeks for her fashion design school as well. We had a monster thunderstorm last night too and it woke both Buddy and I at 2:30 am, lots of thunder and lightening and torrential rain and it scared the bejesus out of poor Buddy. I bet it's the remnants of that hurricane and I noticed as well during one of his walks Buddy's tail was bleeding and I looked and it looked like some sort of blood-blister or something on it; a pinhead -sized blackish-purple fleshy thing and he was so good too letting me clean it and apply pressure to stop the bleeding; he just lay still in my lap and let me knowing I was helping him and when I was done he looked at me with those big Dachshund eyes of his, licked my hand and wagged his tail as if thanking me for helping him. He's such a good boy.

The palms of my hands are sooooo itchy as well and when I Googled it  it said Biliary cirrhosis, damage or destruction of the biliary ducts; liver issues again. Sounds most likely as I DO have liver issues, esp. with my Alpha 1 antitrypsin deficiency and I have all the symptoms and it explains other things too I also have incl. high cholesteral when I DON'T eat a high cholesteral diet; I hardly ever have fatty meat or fatty or fried food yet have a high cholesteral and am on meds for it- this would explain it- also my disrrhrea, IBS, even my Rheumatoid Arthritis which often co-exists with it and even the little grain of rice- like nodules under my skin- also related- and the upper quadrant pain, the nausea,debilitating fatigue(I can't make it thru tha day without a nap most days) even the confusion and forgetfulness( which surprised me and I didn't know was related) is liver-failure-related,also my dry eyes, mouth and skin,  my easy bleeding and bad bruising, etc. all of it- all explained. 90% of patients are also women in their 50's so it makes sense and I did have Obstetric Cholestasis (liver failure) with my last pregnancy and had my gallbladder removed and it does affect digestion so it all makes sense and before they did wonder if my bile ducts were blocked.... of course the prognosis isn't good; average lifespan 10-15 years from onset and mine started 12 years ago so I'm running out of time and liver transplant is the only "cure"  but I wouldn't go for that. I'd just let it take it's course. They believe there's some genetic component as well though so the kids might be at risk later,too....