I, Mario.

I feel like Mario(who is a plumber, in case you didn't know) from the kids' video games but I also feel accomplished: I had the leave the bath tub full of water after Buddy's bath as the plug was stuck with so much suction and I couldn't pull it out so I left it hoping the next guy that came along for a bath or shower might have better luck but no one did so when I went to have my bath it was still there, all full of cold water and I used a razor/shaver to finally unpop it but the water still wouldn't drain so I used the plunger and still nothing so I kept plunging and plunging away and just all this gross black stuff kept coming up( so now it was a tub full of cold dark black  water that looked like sewage but still wasn't draining and I put my back out even more with all that bending over but I kept at it and it finally gurgled and slowly started draining so I kept at it and at it, reminding me of people tirelessly doing CPR and I reached down the drain and I pulled out big wads and gobs of long black sewage-y hair, enough to fill the palm of my hand, and then it drained out! It was so gross! I thought I'd have to get my hubby to come help with his chemical acid stuff or a snake-like contraption to unclog it.....but I did it, all by myself! My back hurts like hell now and I probably won't be able to stand upright for a week, but I feel so accomplished!(and I finally got to have a bath!)

I also keep getting these scary, unwanted and intrusive thoughts about the soon-to-be 25 YR old on his upcoming trip(this week!) to Belgium; that his friends turn out to be in some sort of Satanic cult and they're luring him there so they can sacrifice him. I know it sounds crazy, but I often get these horrible fears, thoughts, images, and worries; all part of my bipolar, etc. and it scares the hell out of me even though I know the chances of it actually happening are slim it still is possible and it freaks me out with worry, esp. since we are the ones that the rare things happen to, and the other day when Buddy was saying goodbye to me and saying it won't be much longer now and I assumed he was talking about him dying my hubby said maybe I got it wrong and he was talking about me; that I'm the one who doesn't have much time left, that I'm the one who's dying and he was saying goodbye to me because I'm  the one who's leaving soon, not him.....maybe....I never even thought of that, I just assumed it was him because he is 13....he then cracked to the kids, We'll either be shopping for a new dog....or a new mother.... at least that gives me hope though, that he is open to getting another dog whereas before he said NO MORE DOGS but I still need a therapy dog, a companion, purpose in my life,someone to take care of, to look after , to dote on, to need me, to love me.... I'm also pretty sure that damn cat is back in the house again too( must have ran in with the door open) as it smells like cat piss in the second floor hallway and bathroom and I know cat piss when I smell it; it has a very distinct odour....

It was funny in church the other day too: they read this Bible verse where Jesus tells the 10 lepers to Go show yourselves to the priests and I had to cover my mouth and stifle a laugh. I always do. That verse gets me every time. It just sounds so inappropriate and it makes me crack up laughing. It's like saying expose yourself, or flash the priests and I just lose it. I know, I know. I have a twisted sense of humour but it just gets me every time. I can't help it. There's also this woman in church I named Cheekbones because she's really pretty and has these amazing high cheekbones. She has long wavy blonde hair, perfect teeth and make-up, always dressed well, and it surprised me and made me laugh to see her get in to her vehicle as it wasn't at all what I would have expected she'd drive; I was expecting a Mercedes or a BMW or something along those lines, but it was a -get this- a pick up truck! Sure, it was one of those shiny new expensive ones, but still a pick-up truck nonetheless. I couldn't help but laugh at the irony and the absurdity. Lots of women in this hick-ass town drive pick-ups, it's not unusual to see, but they're rednecks!

Today's also our Thanksgiving and we're having our big dinner in the diningroom with the silverware and the fine china. My brother-in-law is also coming for dinner and for Thanksgiving what I'm honestly the most thankful for is Buddy, my dog, because he is the greatest blessing God has given me; I prayed for Him to send someone to love me and He sent me Buddy. He is the only love, joy and light in my world. Without him my life would be dark and empty. Instead of being thankful for what I have(because most of what I had I've now lost, like $$$$$, security, family, sense of identity, purpose and meaning in life,etc.) is gone now) I'm thankful for what I've survived; for what God has helped me endure but I am thankful for things I once enjoyed in the past, because that's when the good things exisited; I'm thankful for when the kids were younger and they used to love me, for my travels, for my grammer school and the 1 highschool, for friends, fun with family, summers and Christmases, camp, the cottage, the YMCA group where for the first time in my life I fit in and felt I belonged and was accepted and where I made all my Ottawa friends, for pets, for good days, happy times, good memories, etc.

I'll leave you with a nice Sikh proverb I recently came across:

We are all connected.

I like that.