I Surrender.

I surrender.....but NOT without a fight. I didn't surrender willingly.

It's just been sooooo cold lately, 6 C to 9C and tonight it's even going down to 0 C so I finally surrendered. I put away my flip-flops, shorts and T-shirts and I closed my bedroom windows. I now wear long-sleeve shirts, long pants and socks. I'm just so cold all the time when I take Buddy out for his walks ( it's now too cold to be able to be outside otherwise; our outside days are over, now we hibernate indoors until spring, waaah!) my fingers, toes and tip of nose are cold and I'm always shivering now and have goose-bumps, I need to go back to Jamaica! So to try and combat the cold my ammunition is this fuzzy warm new blanket (see photo above) I bought. It was outrageously expensive for just a blanket but I HATE being cold, and oh, yeah, the furnace even came on last night,too! I am SO not ready for this!!! Not now, not ever!

Shit.

As well, the 12 YR old got his eye ultrasound and they said they'll phone with the results, and I got my blood work done at the lab,too and as usual it shows my liver and kidneys continue to deteriorate(no surprise there)  and I was called Sir again, another thing that happens often and comes with being ugly, and it's not just because of my short hair,either, it's my ugly masculine FACE; I keep my hair shorts because it rounds out my face more; when it's long it makes it look even more big, long,and narrow, and even with long hair I still look like a drag queen anyway so I might as well just do what I like because I'm still ugly anyway.

This is also the cute little house I like close-by church. It recently got sold and renovated. I always look at it when I go by, fantasizing I live there so recently it went up for rent so naturally I had to go online and see how much they're asking and - mein Gott im Himmel- rent is 2500$ a month! Holy shit! There's no way anyone's going to pay that, esp. around here. That's outrageous, this isn't Toronto! I remember when rent used to be 600$- 900$. This is insane; mortgage payments are less than that monthly! My mother also belittled me again saying I don't help her.No.....I just do all the work around the house instead of dividing it up.....but I DON'T HELP her? Then she goes I don't help her, implying physically, but I can't help it I'm not physically strong enough to lift or carry her or bear her weight and I know if I tried we'd both go down and she weighs more than I do! I also bring her food and drinks....I replied, What more do you want? Do you expect me to wipe your  ass too? and she's just playing it up and taking advantage of it, acting helpless like an infant when the doctor said all that's wring is a slightly bruised knee. That's it; nothing's broken, has cancer, or needs to be replaced. She's just "milking" it for all it's worth.She loves the attention, being waited on, and not having to do anything but I won't be manipulated for that and I'm sick and tired and angry that nothing I do is ever enough, never good enough.