Panic Attack!

I had to go to church last night as there's no Sunday evening Mass tonight because of the Thanksgiving weekend. I also had a bad panic attack, right there in church! I had been feeling "off" all day, sort of surreal and "otherworld-ness", hard to explain, but like I was sort of floating around in and out of my body and "fading" in and out, like I was here and then I wasn't, sort of like a "fade to black" and then I'd come back, but yet still conscious the full time and aware but at times in a sort of "foggy" state. In Mass though the panic hit me full-on, this overwhelming feeling of dream and doom, it felt like all the walls were closing in on me and I was suffocating. My heart was racing and my thoughts were racing and swirling, the words in The Missal were all blurry, and the chanting and praying in unison of those around me got louder and louder and echoed in my brain, vibrating and pulsing, and my head and ears were throbbing and I felt dizzy like I was going to black out and sounds amplified and it felt like everyone could tell and they were all looking at me, aware I was freaking out and I had to do Grounding to calm down, to not lose my shit, finding things I can see, hear, smell, etc. and focus on them as a sort of diversion technique and I also kept praying and praying to God to keep me looking calm on the outside so no one could notice anything and to get me thru it and over time the panic subsided but the "off" feeling still remains, even into today and I still feel like I keep "floating" in and out, like I leave my body and come back, and I'm soooo tired I just want to close my eyes and drift away. I worry my bipolar is worsening and I might be losing my mind. Am I maybe having a breakdown? I have been running on cortisol for the past 31 years so maybe I it's stress and just can't take anymore  and my fight is over?

Speaking of which, I am under lots of stress right now, worry about Buddy and again last night: he crawled into my lap and was saying goodbye; that there isn't much time left and I just lost it and cried; it's so hard on me every time this happens and I think I'm losing him(he's ok now) and worry if the lumps on my hubby's arm might be cancer and if anything showed up on the 12 YR old's(who also saw my hubby walk in carrying this thing and asked What is that? A flame thrower? It was a caulking gun!) eye ultrasound, plus I'm feeling lost and struggling to define my role, purpose and meaning in life now I don't identify as a homeschooling mother anymore now the kids are older and no longer love me, need me, depend on me,or want me around anymore, and for the longest time my role as a mother has diminished anyway until it has been completely disrespected  so now I don't know how to define myself  anymore  or where I go from here, etc.... I just feel so empty, so uncertain, so lost, so stressed, so fed up with how my toxic family treats me, so lonely and once Buddy's gone I'll have nothing left; I won't have anyone that loves me, and no reason to get up each day anymore, no reason to live, no thing to live for, no one that needs me, no one to take care of, to dote on, to need me, to love me.....no reason to carry on, to keep living, no more love, light, or joy in my life. Every day I ask God to please take me first.