Shit.

It's been exactly 3 weeks today since my surgery and just yesterday the bruise from my IV site finally disappeared. I'm still constipated too and need to take a laxative 2-3 times a week in order to even be able to shit at all, otherwise it's hard and stuck and I have to push and strain and it feels like a log-jam in there like it's all backed up and it just won't come out. Even with the laxative the turds are so narrow and thin they're like my finger and light in colour, a light tan colour, likely due to my failing liver, and I really do wonder since the abdomenal surgery if there might be some sort of twisting or blockage in the bowel causing it as it shouldn't be this complicated to shit, esp. not still 3 weeks later, or maybe it has nothing to even do with the surgery but just a coincidence and it's a separate colon issue that just happened to occur at the same time? In any case, when I see the doctor in 3 weeks for my follow-up I'll mention it to her if the problem still persists. I've had issues with my colon before (IBS, divirticulitis, and polyps) for years so it could also be that....

My hubby also snarled that I'd be dead if it weren't for this country ( actually I'd be better off) when in actual fact this country is what's killing me, and today the 12 YR old sees the opthamologist for his ultrasound results and I'm really worried and scared but I try to rationalize it can't be anything too serious to wait this long for the follow-up although in this country everything takes forever to get booked so you never know and all day today I'll be in a constant state of panic and fear, worrying and praying, fearful of what they might say but I hope it's nothing serious(I'll post about it tomorrow once we know) and I can still remember waking up after surgery hearing disembodied but distinct female voices too one (I think the doctor) saying I want her oxygen sats to be better and another(I think a nurse) to me You better start waking up better if you want to go home today and also muffled voices as I kept drifting in and out of consciousness from the anesthesia and I guess it's true what they say that your sense of hearing is the last to go and the first to return...

My hubby also wants the kids' birth certificates and passports to scan he says for his personal info to keep on file but the suspicious part of me is well.....suspicious and wonder what his true intent really is and why he wants it,  and the other day the 16 and 12 YR olds were drawing together(which I like and encourage creativity) but she had to go to work in 20 minutes so I reminded her and she freaked out yelling at me she doesn't need my stupid reminders and that she's a responsible adult and I'm "obsessed" with her, etc. which really hurt. I love, care about, and worry about them and I want them to be healthy and safe and it's my job to make sure they are and to remind them and I'll do whatever I have to make sure that they're OK, and for her esp. to monitor her and make sure she eats ever since her eating disorder 2 years ago; I have to make sure she's ok and to reassure myself she is; it's only because I care but from now on I'll step back, let her go and set her free, no more reminders  now she's made it clear she doesn't love me, want me or need me anymore even though it breaks my heart and I do it out of love and concern for her.

I had a dream as well I was in highschool and had a school uniform and I wore it with pride as it symbolized that I was part of something, that I belonged and was part of a group, something I only felt at the YMCA group in Ottawa but never did anywhere else in life and was always an outsider that never fit in, and I always had this knowing feeling before I die I would see a Monarch butterfly and hear Led Zeppelin's Stairway To Heaven too and for the past 4 days I've heard the song and saw photos of Monarchs so I don't know if that means anything or not....