The Tree.

I really doubt that we're going to even have a Christmas tree this year. Normally over the decades I've been the one who puts it up and decorates it but lately as my health declines I just honestly don't have the energy or stamina it takes anymore to do it. Just the other day putting up the Christmas decor in the house wiped me out; I was all sweaty, breathless and faint and felt like I was going to pass out. I also felt something pop in my abdomen following my surgery(it had just been 2 weeks post-Op) and today I still have pain there, only now increasingly worse; it really hurts on the lower right side, so I don't know if something's maybe infected or rupturing or what, perhaps that cyst on my right ovary, I don't know, but in any case, the pain is bad enough now to make me wince and to suck in my breath upon certain movements and  I just don't have it in me what it takes to put up a tree and decorate it. I thought the kids might do it but the 16 YR old said she's not going to and there's no way the 12 YR old will and it's doubtful the 25 YR old will and my hubby never has and my mother's in no condition to do it any more than I am. I like Christmas trees. and, in fact, them and the lights are my fave. part of Christmas( other than Jesus, of course; He's the reason for the season and don't you forget it) and this year I was hoping we could put up the white tree with the silver and gold ornaments the 18 YR old used to have in her room down in the livingroom for everyone to enjoy but when I mentioned it the 16 YR old said she already claimed it for her room even though she hasn't even put it up or decorated it yet and it's still just laying there on her bedroom floor. That's sad though, the thought of Christmas without a tree, but what can you do?

My friend in Austria also saw the new Frozen 2 movie with his kids only in German it's called Die Eiskonigin (with an umlaut over the O except I can't do that on my keyboard so it's missing here but I know it's supposed to be there, I didn't 'forget" it) which litterally translated means The Ice Kings which I suppose makes good sense and I really want to see it too so we'll have to illegally download it and watch it because we're cheap that way and I'm not going to pay 12$ to go see it at the cinema! I was also listening to music on Google Home and I exlaimed with glee Skynyrd! when a Lynyrd Skynyrd song came on and Google was listening in on my like a spy and replied back, here is a station playing Lynyrd Skynyrd songs....oh, my God, that just really freaked me out! It's actually really and truly spying on us, listening in our conversations and replying to what we say, even when we're NOT directly talking to it! Holy shit!

I realize as well I live 2 lives; the one on the outside that everyone else sees and the secret one I live inside my head that no one knoes about. Actually, I live two secret lives in my head: the fantasy one where I'm beautiful and free and I'm the way I wish and dream I was, and the real but secret one that only I or a select few people know about, with secrets never to be revealed, intrigue, secret loves and losses, untold traumas, hidden desires, secret thoughts , hopes and dreams, untold traumas, hurts, secrets, past, etc. It's a very busy place in my head full of things always swirling around in a frenzy, never to be calmed or tamed, always gnawing away, trying to escape, refusing to be buried, hard to contain, I don't know if it's the Asperger's or the Bipolar or just my overall general f*cked-up life....or maybe a combination of all three...