Today.

Last night I was able to haul my sorry ass upstairs and sleep in my own bed and it was hard but it felt so good. It always feels better to sleep in the comfort of your own bed and it's nice and dark and quiet in there  too where I can rest and sleep undisturbed, unlike downstairs. In fact, while I was sleeping on the main floor for the first 2 nights(as I wasn't able to walk up the stairs) my mother would complain and insist I keep the kitchen light on so that she could see when she got up during the night to go to the bathroom even though it also illuminated the room I was trying to sleep in and kept me awake(I need it dark to sleep) and I told her to keep it off so I could sleep and just turn the bathroom light itself on when she had to get up and use it so she could still see but it wouldn't wake me up( you know, it's called a compromise...) but oh, no, she wasn't having any of that, it has to be her way because we all know it's always all about HER and what she wants and no one ever gives a shit about me and then she had the nerve to say no as it would wake her up! Can you imagine? So I turned it off when I went to bed and then she sent her little toady in to turn it on once I was "hostage" in bed( all snuggled in and in too much pain to get up and turn it back off again) but once I had to get back up again to go pee during the night I turned it off again.

 No one bothers to ask how I'm doing either(no How do you feel? Do you need anything?etc.) other than the 25 YR old who asked once, How ya doin'? and my friend in Brazil sends me daily messages asking how I am and my Facebook friends post messages sending Get Well wishes but nothing from my own family; they just don't give a shit. Now if they were a nice, kind, caring, thoughtful family that actually cared about me and loved me when I came home from the surgery they would have presented me with a Get Well balloon, a vase of sunflowers and perhaps even a little hippo toy plushie, you know, like normal loving families normally do when someone has surgery and gets out of the hospital....but hope...nothing. I just basically came home and crawled into a little corner off on my own and looked after myself( and Buddy took care of me; we take care of eachother) like a wounded animal, and I was sad and disappointed actually when I woke up out of the anesthesia and realized that I was still here; that I was still alive. I was hoping that would have been my chance, my opportunity to finally be free and I was hoping I would have woken up on the other side of Heaven, but nope....still here....and for what? Why? Often lately I do feel a kind of a "epiphany" of a sort, a feeling of hope and optimism and encouragement that I'm at a "crossroads" in life and close to a positive change, like maybe perhaps happiness,improved health, or I'll find love maybe or get to break free from my toxic family.....who knows, or maybe I am dying soon and I know it's close and soon  in some way my life is going to improve, either that or just false hope and wishful thinking again, hoping for a dream that will never happen....

Yesterday was yet another example of how my family excludes me as well. My mother and hubby were out so they got themselves and the 12 YR old subs  at Subway (the others were at work) and I was the only one left at home, you know still recovering from surgery remember but did it ever occur to them to think to pick up something for me on the way back, that I  might like some food,too; to think about me......nooooo...of course not! They never brought me back anything; they bought food for everyone except for me and my mother's excuse is I don't like Subway and That's what was close-by Wal-Mart and I told her, well, guess what....So is McDonald's; in fact; it's right IN the store so that excuse doesn't fly! Try again. They could have easily picked me up a Big Mac too while they were already there. No extra effort really. They just didn't care.They just don't bother to think about me or include me and always leave me out and that's what really hurts and then my hubby starts ripping into me that I should be 'grateful"...(here we go again) for everything I do have and they do for me....yeah,right....their "defence" every time trying to excuse leaving me out and treating me like shit and when I said they always do that and my mother asked for examples and I gave her lots she goes, Well that was in the past; I'm talking about right now....always trying to find a "loophole", a way "around" it, to get "out" of it and twist it around somehow so that it's never her fault and she's never to blame, so that it's always somehow ends up being my fault and that I have no right to complain for being mistreated and abused...

Today I can stand up a bit more yet still not fully erect and it hurts whenever I cough and I still sleep alot and I'm so pale and I have to wake up every time I'm sleeping and have to turn over. I know I'm doing more than I should (it's only been 3 days) but no one helps me and I know I'm rushing it and over-doing it but I try to rest as much as I can and I am recovering a bit at a time and am doing well considering and I'm doing all the things that I should to get better and I have to remember that it's them(my family) that has failed me, not the other way around.