Dying Flame.

This is my coconut vanilla candle slowly coming to an end of its lifespan and the flame is a small low one now, flickering slowly, now, dimly, every now and then, dying out and it reminds me of how I feel. I feel just like that slow flickering dying flame. There's not much left in me anymore now; not much life left, not much flame, not much energy, much spark, much flicker, much light, much brightness, much shine, etc. At one time, a long time ago, I used to shine brightly and glow, a tall bright flame that would light up the entire room, dancing and swaying back and forth, bathing the room in a lively glorious light, reaching high, hissing, crackling and going strong, growing brightly and powerful......and then as time went on the flame dimmed.....more and more...flickered less and less and then it just started to go out and now there's not much flame left anymore, just a pool of melted wax with an old burned out wick floating in the midst of it, all burned up and used up, with nothing left to give anymore, the brightness long gone, the flame died down, snuffed out, oppressed, oxygen-starved, smothered, dirt thrown over, stomped on, watered down, drowned out, put out, no more light left, no more brightness, no more flame. The flame has died out.

Speaking of flame, the 12 YR old said that if we had another fire that I'd be the last one rescued because I'm everyone's least favourite and it jusy broke my heart and crushed me to the core of my spirit. I knew I certasinly wouldn't be the first but it hurts that I'm also always the last  all the time,too. Then him and my hubby taunt if there were another fire who would I save if I could only save one, Buddy or the kids.....and I told them Both, or die trying. I wouldn't ley anyone go. In fact, when we actually did have our fire in 1996 I was so busy getting all the kids out that I totally even forgot about our dog, a Pug named Pugly, who had been sleeping in a bed in the basement and sadly it perished in the blaze and looking back, if I had remembered and gone back for it the only exit out would have been blocked by that time due to the fast moving, fast burning tire and I would have been trapped and not been able to make it back out and I'd always wondered if God purposely made me not remember in order to save me because if I had  remembered the dog was down there I would have gone back for it. I'd never forget Buddy or leave him behind as we have a special bond(I'd stay behind and die with him if I had to rather than leave him behind) but the point is obvious and it really hurts that they would imply otherwise and it's really hurtful the horrible way they treat me and make me feel unwanted, unloved, unwelcome, pushed out, and like an outcast in my own family and every time I try to be included, show interest, ask questions, be involved, be part of the group, be part of their inner-circle, etc. they tell me I'm nosey, to mind my own business, to butt-out, I'm not part of this, it doesn't concern me, etc. causing me to withdraw and be isolated and pull back even more.

I also saw an angel again in the diningroom yesterday, too, quickly sweeping by is the best way to describe the quick way it gracefully moved across the floor, and it was really tall too and hazy-looking and it, to my surprise, cast a shadow which I clearly saw with the light and Buddy saw it too and was transfixed on the moving object he couldn't quite "place" and was barking intently at, and my entire life I've always had feelings, dreams, revelations, visions, premonitions or whatever they're called warning me of upcoming dangers too that do occur later, such as the fire, me having to flee, a kid having cancer, etc.(and even little things such as so-amd-so will phone today or a certain thing will come in the mail or a medical diagnosis) and others I've had but haven't (at least yet) come true)and I hope not, except for the part about me) incl. one of the girls ( but it casts a stronger "leaning" over the 23 YR old and the 20 YR old as if it's likely one of them) will have a disabled baby girl, I will only have 5 years with Buddy (which is up THIS year!) the 25 YR old will not live a long life, and I will die young,too. It scares me too because it never just occurs once, but repeats over a series of time, often years, like the fire dream, for example, I started having from when I was 8 or 9 years old. I think they're warnings from the Holy Spirit to prepare and warn me.