Here is our Christmas tree, all fixed up and after I decorated it.Christmas trees always remind me of my childhood. I took off the ghastly tacky lights and put on the decent ones, you know, the ones that actually look like traditional Christmas lights. It took me about an hour and just wiped me out exhausted and put my back out. Since I decorated it I expect the kids to take it down; I'm not doing everything.I stuck with a mostly silver, gold and red theme and my hubby bought these ugly green ornaments too but I never put them on and I mean, who the f*ck puts green ornaments on a green tree? it's like Where's Waldo? They'd be so camoflauged(I don't know how the hell to spell that word but you know what I mean, when soldiers blend in with the terrain)in there you wouldn't even see them anyway, plus these things were ugly, I mean really ugly. So, we ended up having a tree afterall. It's also December and the beginning of Advent which I always like as the church is all decked out in purple(like during Lent,too) my fave. colour and I also noticed my Advent calender half of the little windows have no numbers on them for the days either so it'll be a guessing game for half the month I guess and why do I always end up with all the defective stuff,anyway? I seriously have the worst luck ever and must be jinxed!
I also, after smoking weed to ease my abdomenal and back pain, ate an entire Christmas stollen, like the one pictured here:
a couple of days ago even though my mother said we were saving it for December, except.....yeah,well, I had The Munchies really bad and it just kept calling out to me eat me....eat me...eat me... and I couldn't resist(and also a piece of the chocolate cake we had saved for Sunday dessert today,too) and before I knew it I had scarfed down the entire thing and then last night she goes, Have you seen the stollen?I can't find it..... and I told her sheepishly, Uh....you're not going to find it.....someone ate it....buuurrrpppp....
I was also hit with shocking news I didn't see coming and was like a hard kick in the gut: the 16 YR old told me that after Christmas when her sisters go back to BC she'll be going back with them and at first I was all happy for her like, Oh, that's nice, you'll have a nice trip!When will you be coming back?.....and then she said she isn't; that she's moving out and staying there; that the oldest ( 29) got flooded out and has to move and the 18 YR old's lease expires so the 3 of them are getting a place together( 2600$ a month for an apartment; can you believe it? That's just as bad as Toronto!) and it felt like all the air in the room had just been sucked out and I was just gutted. I thought we had at least another year with her; that she wasn't moving out until she was 18 like the others did and it really hit me hard and I don't know how to process this. I'm just shattered and worried as well; the second-oldest said she'd monitor her and make sure she eats and does her schoolwork but I worry; she's still a minor and not old enough to be moving out on her own yet and should be at home still with her parents' supervision and when my hubby taunted me there's nothing I can do to stop her I told him actually there is; since she's a minor under 18 and I'm her parent and legal guardian I can go to court and stop her; I'm not going to but I could.
This really concerns and worries me. It also breaks my heart as I didn't see it coming, wasn't expecting it, and am not ready for it. She's always been one of my faves. and the one I used to be closest to ( I still am even though she pushed me away years ago I never stopped loving her) and I'm not ready to let her go yet and I worry how she'll manage, being that she's so "fragile." I also hope it's NOT because she thinks it's so horrible here but rather just because she misses the 18 YR old so much, esp. as they're so close they're BFF's and like twins; they're inseparable and they need eachother to survive practically, it's like Buddy and I, they depend on eachother and are like 2 halves of a whole, and I get that, and if that's what she needs to be OK, to be happy, to be healthy emotionally, then she has my blessing, but it still worries me her living so far away without parental supervision, esp. given her past with self-harm, suicide attempts, and eating disorders.This just really tears me up inside plus I'm going to miss her like crazy and I know her leaving home will be the hardest on me of all the kids.
My mother also went to a fancy salon and got her hair cut and she said it was really swank and they served coffee(like that salon in L.A I used to go to back in the 80's) and it cost 50$ which shocked me as she usually goes to First Choice for just 20$ and wouldn't pay that much.....oh,shit....at least now she can't say anything anymore about when I pay 50$ to get my nails done once a year or so! I see this lady every morning too walking when I take Buddy out to pee around 7 am and she always has these colourful amusing leggings she wears as pants different ones every day and it's interesting to see which ones she's going to have each day, anything from a snowman pattern to Christmas trees, to dogs, stars, flowers, etc. My hubby and the kids were playing a card game as well and it reminded me of myself in highschool (and the kids don't know about this as far as I know, another one of my secrets) how I used to gamble with the Chinese boys during lunch; we'd play dice and 3 Card Monte, etc. and how the teachers would always come out and shout at us Stop gambling! and we'd put the stuff away and when they'd leave we'd just laugh and bring it out again and I made some $$$$ too and was even a bookie at one point.....those were the days ha ha......now I don't even gamble at all.....I won't even buy lottery tickets. I trust in and prefer God provides for me rather than rely on luck or chance.
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