Purple Dogs.

I can still remember when I was in Kindergarten doing art that time I drew a dog and coloured it purple because well, I liked dogs and purple was, afterall, my fave. colour and still is. There was another time doing clay art I also sculpted a dog out of clay and painted it purple. I got told off both times. That's not right! The teacher said. Dogs aren't purple! I had to re-do it. That's what life with Asperger's is like only for your entire life. You think one way, see things one way, do things one way all the while the world thinks an entirely different way, sees things a totally different way and does things a completely different way and what you do always differs from the "norm", is unacceptable, weird, wrong, different, stands out, is discouraged, frowned upon, ridiculed, scolded, admonished, forced to change, to adapt, to fit in, to be "normal", be shamed and humiliated, to be made to feel awkward, stupid, ashamed, guilty, dumb, less-than, etc. I say things that to me are just what I think, how I feel, the way I see things, my opinion,s, etc. but to others it comes across as rude, insensitive, or offensive even though that isn't my intent and I'm truly surprised they react that way. People think I'm annoying and repetitive when I'm just trying to understand, to be reassured, to get it right, to try NOT to make a social gaffe or a mistake, and I'm forever being misunderstood, taken the wrong way, wrongly accused, having my motives questioned, etc. when I have the best of intentions but it's like living in 2 separate worlds speaking 2 different languages and trying to communicate with cultural differences.It feels like everyone else got instructions to an event on protocol I never did and I'm just trying to figure it out all on my own. Just when I think I've got it all figured out what they want and expect from me I find out (often the hard way) that it's not and I spend most of my life "masking" and trying to hide my deficits, trying desperately to appear "normal" to avoid bullying and ridicule but to no avail. I will always draw purple dogs and no one will ever understand it, let me, and will continue to hate me and bully me for it.

As well, yesterday the 16 YR old mentioned someone and I asked who it was, trying to be incl. and my hubby snapped, You're NOT part of us and that really hit me hard  because I know I'm not part of their group, their inner-circle and I haven't been for a long time. They pushed me out long ago and every time I try to come in they just push me away more. My mother also cautioned them to NOT throw food at Christmas dinner as it's not an appropriate way to behave at the table and the reason her and I won't even eat at the same table as them but separately, not wanting our meal ruined by their ill manners throwing food at us and being rude at the table and she said whoever does will be ordered to take their plate and leave the table to which my hubby replied ("nice" example for the kids, asshole) that everyone should just all throw food then and then they're all banished together and still esentially end up eating together anyway and I said how about then we just don't even have Christmas dinner at all  then if that's how they intend to act; they can just heat up turkey TV dinners for themselves if they want and just the civilized ones of us will have the nice dinner and she said she's just not going to serve dinner rolls (the thing they usually throw) this year.

Later tonight  5 of the kids also arrive to visit and I'm most excited to see the 21 YR old as I haven't seen him in something like 2-3 years and he didn't exactly leave on the best of terms and I'm least excited to see the 18 YR old because she's always so mean to me and I don't want my Christmas to be ruined because of some snarky comment she made, and I just hope the oldest ( the only one that's not coming and I wish he was and I'm sad I won't get to see him) won't be spending Christmas alone; that he has friends or someone he'll be with, and it hurt me as well when I asked the 25 YR old if he has Twitter or Facebook  he lied right to my face calmly  and said that he doesn't even though I know for a fact that he does and I don't care if he has social media or not, that's not the point, but the fact that he lies to me so easily and over something so trivial breaks my heart. They all lie to me, all the kids, and so skillfully and so easily and it breaks my heart. There's just no sense of honesty, loyalty, respect, honour, senes of what's right, ethics, nothing.

My mother also used up all my Vagisil powder (for smelly pussy) without even asking ands the thing is I don't mind if she uses some and borrows a bit, but she used up the entire thing and never even asked so when I went to use some it was all gone so then I told her since she used it all up to at least replace it and then of course, wouldn't you know it, she got the wrong thing, she got the gel one (which I didn't even know was a thing) instead of the powder and how the hell am I supposed to sprinkle a gel on my underwear for odour control exactly? Then she also stole my jacket(I wondered where it disappeared off to) and kept insisting it was hers and I kept telling her it was mine and I think I know my own jacket when I see it and I described it I have a button missing andf she checked it and sure enough....and then she inspects it further...Oh! there's no pockets in here.....mine has pockets!..... and she tosses it aside, realizing her defeat and my obvious victory and off she stalks, no apology, and I cleaned my mess after I cut my hair too but it wasn't good enough for my hubby's liking as I didn't do it the way he would have and preferred(even though I did clean up and didn't just leave it there some some people do) and so he was critical to me over that,too; no matter what I do it's never good enough for them and they always criticize me and I'm tired of it, of never being good enough, of never doing good enough, of never measuring up, of always being criticized and put down. Why do I seriously even bother with these people? I will never get their approval, love, and acceptance no matter what.

I also noticed too the kids never wore the souvenirs I got for them in Jamaica either. The 25 YR old only wore his shirt once and the girls never wore their socks even once. They're such ingrates and they seem to foget that when we lived in Ottawa and both my hubby and mother worked all day it was me that did everything all on my own; all the childcare, all the housework, the cooking, the cleaning, the homeschooling, and I was also always either prego( with all-day morning sickness for 3 months with each one) or looking after a new baby and nursing at the same time, and it was me who taught the kids all the foundations of learning; reading, writing, phonics, etc.and all the lessons right up to highschool(except math) even though they give my hubby all the credit, and all the sleepless nights I had with them, all the worry, the stress, and the sacrifice I made when we had to pick up our lives and flee in order to protect them, the life and friends I had to forever leave behind to protect them, they forget about that, and they also don't seem to realize how much I really do care about them and for example, every time I call out to them leaving the house, It's cold out, you'll need your hat and mitts! for example, it's because I care. They've never given me enough credit or realize how much emotionally and of my life I've dedicated to them and they just don't give a shit....and now....they just threw me away like a used tissue of no consequence.