The Book.

The other day my hubby finally found the book I was looking for forever, Renia's Diary, a book about a Jewish teen girl living under Nazi occupied Poland during the war and who was shot and killed by the Gestapo shortly after she'd just turned 18. She wrote of the usual teen girl's angst and longing for love and alot of it sounded like my own diaries, how she pined for love and romance and to be loved, saying how she's too ugly for anyone to love her and that she loves so ardently no one will ever love her as much in return but she'd be content with even a bit of fondness and affection. At times she came across as mean too, esp. towards her friends and boyfriend but that could be because she was unhappy and felt conflicted. It also made me wonder if I would have survived in that circumstance, esp. since I've always been a survivor, and I'm not Jewish and clearly look Aryan with my pale skin and blue eyes and I speak German and Russian (and French too) so I might have been able to safely blend in although knowing me I would also have joined the Resistance and underground and hidden Jews and smuggled them to safety so if I got caught that would have been the end for me...

I was engrossed in reading my book as well when my mother asks if the 25 YR old came home from work yet and if I'd seen him but I wasn't paying attention because when I read I'm transported into a whole other world and block everything else out and she got mad  at me and scoffed, You wouldn't  notice anyway!  and I shot back at her, What can you say? YOU didn't notice or know either; YOU asked ME! You really are something! and then in reply she snorts, At least I AM somebody! implying that I'm not; that I'm nobody, nothing.She also accused me of being mean and sarcastic but I told her Look who's talking! My family really does  have a way of making me feel badly about myself. I was extra releived and glad to go to church yesterday too and as soon as I walked thru the doors I felt safe; comfort and protected; it's always been my "santuary" where I can get away from my toxic family and feel peace and serenity.

This is also my fave. skirt: crushed rainbow velvet and it(and Christmas time) reminds me of when I was a kid, probably around 8 or 9, and my babysitter(she was the only nice  sitter I ever had too; all the others beat me up) made this quilt out of the same fabric, rainbow crushed velvet and I thought it was the most beautiful, exquisite thing ever and I wanted it so badly and she was selling it but my mother thought it was tacky and gaudy and refused to get it for me (I think that was the also the only thing I wanted that I never got) and I was so disappointed.....and she was a poor woman as well who I'm sure could have used the $$$, I believe, looking back, also a redneck too but she was a kind, caring wonderful woman and I loved her dearly and I can still remember the homemade macaroni and cheese she'd make me for lunch and how I loved it and she'd give me a paint brush and a bucket of water and let me "paint" her fence...and then, much to my surprise and joy for Christmas she had made me a pillow with the exact same material and I just LOVED it, not just because it was just like the quilt but also because of the thought ,time,and love she'd put into it....just for me. I had that pillow for decades,one of my most prized possessions, sitting on my bed...until I lost it in the fire(which started in my room; I lost everything except for the clothes on my back and the photo albums I was able to grab on the way out) and of everything I lost in the fire I miss that pillow and the sweaters my Babushka knitted for me the most as they are irreplacable and are nostalgic.

I have this Holiday Spice Christmas candle I bought as well but now it's down half-way and I can't light it with my stubby little lighter (I need one of those long lighters like they have in church to light their candles) and I kept burning my thumb every time I tried so I asked the 25 YR old to give it a try and he said Here's how you do it... and turned the glass upside-down and lit it from underneath, ok, sounds easy enough...yeah, right..for him maybe....but when I tried it it didn't work; I still got burned and a bunch of dripping hot wax all came dripping down onto my hand and arm. Holy f*ck! WHY, oh why do I always have such bad luck with everything? As my hubby let me off for church yesterday I was telling him something too on the way out of the car but he just dismissed me in a yeah, yeah, yeah style and abruptly ordered, Get out! and shut the door! and peels away and I felt so dismissed, so inferior, like I'm worthless, nothing, unimportant. I also came across Parkinson's Disease which may explain my symptoms(and I also woke up out of sleep last night flexing my legs and kicking too I don't know is a seizure of a symptom they described) as well, esp. the degenative muscle decline, insomnia, hallucinations, confusion, forgetfulness, brain fog, etc. and it keeps declining until you're immobile and bed-ridden and I'd just end it  before it ever got to that stage if so; that's no life.