The Microwave.

I was originally going to post this tomorrow but I got this sense of urgency for some reason prompting me Write now! Post it right away! and so here I am and here goes( I also have this feeling of impending doom, like something bad is coming and it reminds me of the warning I heard months ago Watch out! Be careful! Something's coming! and makes me wonder if they're somehow connected and what it is?) I also feel sort of "floaty" and "out of it" all day too, sort of like I'm there but not really there; sort of like in body only but the spirit is drifting off and I feel like I'm dying(is it just a panic attack perhaps, I don't know....) but as long as my beloved dog's next to me I won't be alone. Today I also feel almost "ehthereal" (and no, today is not a Weed Day in case you were wondering) like the "veil" between this world and the next is "thinning", and now I'm all of a sudden finally peeing alot once again too like I used to but lately I'd hardly being peeing much but also noticed I'm really puffy with fluid retention too, and my hands are esp. swollen due to my declining kidneys and standing out in the cold fresh air today it made me feel alive again too, something I haven't felt in a long time and it felt really good.It remined me of what happiness used to feel like, what life used to be like, what freedom would feel like, how it would feel to just take off and soar and fly away, and I noticed as well my handwriting has also changed over the years ago and it's gotten harder to control the pen( motor skills again) another symptom of Parkinsons and my gait is unsteady and I walk sort of hunched over and shuffle along slowly, like an old hag...When I die though I want to be beautiful and to feel beautiful, not like now, being so ugly that no one can ever love me or desire me, and living a life devoid of self love, self confidence, self-worth, self-esteem.

As well, I found out my cousin ( in his early 40's) had a heart-attack last week, although he was born with heart issues he's had life-long as well and he also needs a kidney transplant, and my back and muscles and abdomen( I even could feel it throbbing ,churning around and moving in there!) hurt so much I was using the microwave to heat up the heating pad ( plus I also used the pain reliever rub and had an epsom salt bath) and my hubby comes marching in like he owns the place and mad he wants the microwave to do his lunch even though I was there first and it was only for 2 minutes....and then him and my mother ( his toady and ally that always gang up togeter against me) both start yelling at telling me to take my stuff out saying he needs it more, he has a schedule, I can wait....etc.. and I told them MY back is ALSO sore then and I was there first afterall and it won't kill him to wait 2 minutes, and they still keep ripping into me saying I'M selfish and how I can wait etc, like his is more important and mine doesn't matter because for me isn't important and who the f*ck cares because it's just something for me and I don't matter... f*ck it! I'm not letting them dismiss me alike that and push me around and treat me second-class and like I don't matter! I'm tired of always being treated less-than by them, always being dismissed, devalued and demeaned  and I'm not putting up it. I also found out the 20 YR old and her BF are only coming up to visit for days(and before Christmas; on actual Christmas Day itself they'll be at his parents' house even though she should be here, at home, with her family; it's not like they're married( or at least not yet, although I always had a feeling she'd end up with B in the end who's now a pilot) and they'll be staying at motel overnight too saying our house is too "filthy" and be that as it may I bet the real reason is so they can have some privacy so they can do IT., ha, ha.My hubby also gave the 18 YR old a credit card but only for emergencies and he received the bill and there were lots of daily Starbucks purchses on there and he had to explain to her that coffee is NOT an emergency and calculated as well it costs her something like over 1200$ a year on coffee at Starbucks! Holy shit! That's even more than I spend in a year on my medical marijuana!