Yesterday.

Yesterday I saw the doc for my post-Op follow-up. I can't believe it's been 6 weeks already! I brought a box of mini donut bites for her and the crew as a thank you as well, grateful that someone finally after 2 years listened to me, believed me, and helped me. She was very surprised, touched, and grateful but it was the least I could do. She said I'm healing well and it wasn't my cervix "falling out" like I'd feared earlier as I don't have a cerfix anymore; she removed it along with the uterus; it was likely just swollen vaginal tissue but everything looks good and that it's even normal to be constipated like I am following a hysterectomy, even up to 6 weeks later and it should resolve itself anytime soon. She also announced gleefully after the exam, Now you can have sex with anyone you want and not get pregnant! I laughed. As if. I wish. The only way anyone would f*ck me is if I paid them.Even my own husband isn't intetrested anymore. All I have now is my vibrator but she said due to frequent use my vaginal walls are nicely exercised and in good shape considering I've had 11 kids. Ha!

I also saw a mouse in the kitchen running along the counter behind the sink in the morning as I was getting breakfasts and I don't know who was more surprised: me to see him or him to see me, and as I was going upstairs to bed for the night carrying Buddy in the dark I also tripped on a black garbage bag someone left there too(which, of course, I couldn't see in the dark) and fell and landed flat down but never let go of Buddy the entire time, but rather let myself take the fall and the hit instead so he's ok but I'm sore now, and no one got to go to the Cadets Christmas party last night either ( and the 25 YR old was really looking forward to it too; he even took the day off work to go) because now the 12 YR old's sick! I had a dream as well I died and I asked where Buddy was and I was told he was out in the backyard waiting for me and I went thru a door and entered a huge field where he was frolicking with several dogs and I called him and he came running, bounding over to me and lept into my arms, licking my face, tail wagging. He was young again too and not old and grey like he is now, but vibrant and like he was when I first got him.

It's soooo frigid bitterly cold today too and when I first woke up it was actually even colder: - 29 C and they should have a song called F*ck, It's Cold Outside, and yesterday after the app't I stopped off to do some shopping and I was wearing my weed leggings and 2 people came up to me admiring them asking where I got them; a middle-aged woman and one in her 20's and one said Are those pot plants?  and then shrieked, Oh, my God! For real! That's awesome!  and I was informed as well that the Edmonton Boys vape now too but what can I really say when I smoke weed( which they also do) but they're adults now and I have no control over what they do and I don't really care; I'm just surprised because I didn't know but at least it's not as bad as tobacco which we all know causes lung cancer and besides, vaping is just steam. Trump also got impeached (yay! Christmas came early!) but I'm sure once it reaches the Republican Congress it will be over-turned as his cronies always have an excuse for him.

I also found out my BFF's father died, she told me when I sent her a Christmas greeting but she said it was all the way back in July.....and it hurt me actually that she didn't even tell me at the time; I thought we were BFF? Maybe she doesn't feel the same way about me that I do towards her? That our friendship( since we were 12) means more to me than it does to her? Maybe to her I'm just merely an old friend but to me she's my oldest dearest friend. That hurts that always happens to me though; I always love others more intensely than they ever love me and I never get back the friendship, love, loyalty and dedication I give people; I always feel it stronger for others than they ever have for me and other always mean more to me than I do to them. I remember, for example, a couple of summers ago when I thought she might have had cancer how I was willing last-minute to just suddenly drop everything and rush over there to the city to be with her and stay with her for no matter how long it took to take care of her if need be because she would have been all alone other than her elderly father who was in his 80's, plus she has a business to run all on her own( she owns a Korean restaurant) and with Patti when we used to be friends(before she used me) when she was laid up in bed a couple of weeks after surgery I'd go over every day and bring her food and walk her dog and when she thought she'd be homeless unable to afford a place I wished I still had $$$ so I could buy her a house....I care so deeply, so much, for others yet no one evr loves me  with the same intensity and there's no person, no human being at all that even loves me at all, and ther only soul out there that even loves me at all is my dog.

It's also defeating to realize that people I knew growing up and were friends with and classmates and aquantiances, neighbours, etc. are now all successful doctors, lawyers, psychologists, work on Wall St, accountants, own their own businesses, etc. and here I am accomplished nothing. All I ever did was got married and had kids. I'm not smart enough to be able to achieve anything more. I just plod along with my life, trying to survive each trauma and misfortune life throws at me but no great achievements or accomplishments, nothing of any legacy to leave behind, nothing noteworthy to be remembered by. Just a nobody who will soon be forgotten. Just a blip on the radar.