Breakthrough!

Last night I had this tremendous breakthrough: I smoked weed and went deep inside myself, deep into thought and prayer and sought answers and I finally got it. The good news is that Buddy is ok. (and that's what's most important and I'm so relieved!) but the bad news is that I'm not. As it turns out I've been having delusions all this time . He's NOT dying afterall; my perception was just altered, I was seeing a kind of distorted reality where everything was an illusion and not what it appeared( even more than usual, because things are like that anyway, such as people and situations often not being what they seem to be) what it was is he likely just has colitis or some other gastro issue because now he seems fine all day yesterday and all during the night and no more blood in his shit( just a small clot yesterday with some mucus and nothing today) and what I thought and interptreted at the time as "gasping" and dying was likely just merely sneezing, yawning, and "going limp" falling asleep, explaining why it only ever seemed to happen at night and why it only ever happened when no one else was ever around to see it, because it wasn't real. It didn' really happen. It was all in my head. I was just imagining it all. It was just my fear always replaying and coming out, that I had to keep re-living over and over. Let me tell you though, it was gut-wrenching and terrifying. Just imagine going thru the process of losing someone you love along with all the raw emotional pain that goes along with it over and over again. I'm a wreck and I bit my nails down to slivers and my BP is up to 155/ 103 and heart rate 96 today and I woke up with this massive, blinding headache today I still have. It's all just my mind playing tricks on me and the stress is killing me.

Having such a distorted illusion of things, with such psychosis with delusions and hallucinations(along with hearing voices, which I also have, usually it sounds like my mother calling my name or other family members voices, or chatter like when you enter a room full of people taslking in the background or sometimes muffled voices) is a classic sign of schizophrenia except that normally onsets in the late teens or early 20's and rarely past age 45 so that doesn't fit the profile so maybe something else could be causing it such as when I fainted and fell and hit the back of my head hard on the floor 2 summers ago and maybe it cause slow long-term damage over time perhaps, or maybe it's due to my kidney or liver failure late or even end-stage, or even a brain tumour perhaps, or a brain bleed, swelling or pressure in the brain , or just sinking further into mental illness which I know I already have( depression and bipolar) and I know it's not the weed as I've been on that for 5 years now and I've only had the hallucinations since the summer ( seeing the Shadow People for instance and other odd things like the guys dressed as clowns and wearing diapers riding a bike down the street, for an example) and it happens on days I don't use weed,too; it's just random, and the weed actually helps calm my anxiety and clears my mind and helps me centre myself and get clarity and go deep inside myself and find answers I can't normally access otherwise and I've had the paranoia for 2 years or so, like I can remember thinking my hubby was trying to kill me, and then it makes me wonder: how can I tell what's real and what isn't? I can't even trust my own mind and that's a really scary thing and it makes me question everything I know, think and believe. It's like when someone lies to you; from that moment on it always makes you doubt, wonder, and second-guess; are they actually telling the truth this time or just lying again? You never know what's true or not or what to believe anymore. It's like that only with my own mind.

I also notice my forgetfulness worsening (maybe there is a connection there?) sleep disturbances, and I have no concept of time anymore,either, and losing touch with reality is very scary and now I know I have psychosis and need help but what now? Do I just call up the psych. I saw before or just go to the ER? I mean, is it an imminent danger or not? I'm not quite sure how to approach it either as I'm really embarrassed even though I know I shouldn't be. Mental illness is exactly that; an illness. It's a sickness that needs to be treated and it's no different than if any other part of the body is sick and needs to be treated, and it's nothing to be ashamed of and no one's weakness or fault yet for some reason it's become so shameful, so stigmatized, so hidden. Why is it that if your brain is sick you're ashamed to seek help for fear of being ridiculed and outcast and being treated as if you are a monster. I also had this feeling I would die on the 29th(although never told which 29th of which month) and today is the 29th and so here I go again, for another ride on the Crazy Train.....round and round we go, and I don't just ride it, I drive  that motherf*cker!