Funny Face.

The 12 YR old made this really creepy funny face with his device and it just cracked me up. Oddly, lately for the past few days my family has also been suddenly nicer to me all of a sudden too and I don't know why and it's suspicious but I like it: the other day the 12 YR old made this Jeopardy!-style game for me where he made up the board, catagories and questions and asked me and we were having fun too until my hubby came in the room and ruined it by being all stupid and shit. My hubby and the 16 YR old also incl. me in a song trivia game(and I must say I kicked their asses in the 80's song catagory by double, too but the 16 YR old knew all the modern songs all of which I have never even heard of either the song or artist, not surprising since they stopped even making good music after the 80's other than the odd song here and there) and the 25 YR old was having a deep conversation with me,too. I don't know what brought it all on but it was really nice. I also commented on a post on YouTube to the band Girls Named Jennifer  which is a new band actually but they have the same sound as 80's music and they actually replied back which I thought was cool!

Not last night but the night before Buddy told me he's dying any day now,too(and remember he did tell me about 6 months ago he had cancer?) and that it won't be long and that night up in bed he made these "jerking" movements like if hiccupping(only he wasn't) and would open his mouth like yawning and loud gurgling in his abdomen and  and for the past 2 days he's had blood in his shit,too and I don't just mean a little bit, and it's fresh bright red(and when I wipe his ass with a handful of snow it turns all red like a cherry snowcone and the cool shaved ice is soothing relief to him,too), and I'm hoping it's just something like a gastro upset, anal fissure, hemmoriod or low-lying colon polyp like I had or something and not internal bleeding, a tumour, etc. and that maybe he just feels like he's dying and thinks  he's dying but isn't really or that it's all just a delusion, although I know beyond any doubt the blood in the shit IS shockingly real and he's just been laying around the past few days too and not eating much, but drinking lots and not going for his usual walks although this morning he did go for a nice long typical walk once again so I hope he's maybe starting to feel better, but I might just be fooling myself too(and I know I should trust my instincts) as I also know with a terminal illness or fatal medical condition that death is a process and follows a set pattern, too, and part of that pattern is right near the end the dying patient has one "Last Hurrah" in which they rally and get this one-time "burst" of energy and seem to "perk" up, giving loved ones false hope that maybe they're recovering and not dying afterall, only to die shortly afterwards so I don't know....all I know is there's so much swirling around in my head......

and....

I think I'm probably on the verge of a mental and emotional breakdown and I saw the other day too I'm exhibiting 3 of the classic signs of it too: a drastic or extreme change in hair style ( I shaved my head) a new piercing (my nose) and tattoo (I want to get another one) and I remember that "warning" I felt months ago whispered by the Holy Spirit warning me to watch out and be careful; that something's coming....maybe that's it? Maybe it's either Buddy dying, I'm going to finally go over the edge, kill myself......who knows? I also lately keep having this ....I guess you might call it a "vision" or an intuition or whatever that I either come close to dying or I die and get ressussitated but I get there somehow and have my questions answered and am told my purpose and meaning in my life and am lead on a new course in my life where things will get better and then I'm revived and brought back.....interesting to see what that all means if anything and if it actually ends up true or not or just more of my crazy-ass ramblings, ha, ha...

 I also think it's not merely just a cold I have now too but some other virus as now I also have these weird red spots on my face- but only on the right side- and I still have the congestion, runny nose, old man cough, sweats, on-and-off fever and headache, and joint and muscle pain along with constant debilitating fatigue but I know it's not the Flu as I'm not nauseated or barfy at all and it doesn't feel like the Flu but more like a bad cold with extras.....it's weird.... maybe I am dying though as I also did have this feeling that Christmas last month would be my last and it was esp. important that the kids were all here one last time for a visit.... I just hope I didn't infect everyone in church yesterday even though I'd be past the contagious stage now (that's just in the beginning and I'm going on 2 weeks now) and I look sick too and with my shaved head they probably all think I have cancer or something.

With Buddy being not to well and telling me he's dying and me having a bad feeling about it my family is being cruel and acting like he's dead already and talking about a new dog already ( reminding me of the hospitals not even waiting until the beds are cold after removing a dead guy before moving the next patient in) and the 16 YR old wants a Corgi or a Golden Lab even though I prefer small dogs and Chihuahuas are my fave. and it is my dog we're talking about here and although nothing  could EVER "replace" BuddyI would still need another dog for emotional support and company and Buddy is bascially like both my companion and my child in one: my companion obviously NOT in the sexual way but he keeps me company, I confide in him, he's my secret-keeper, sleeps in my bed, is the one that loves me, that cuddles me, is my constant companion, and that I dote on and take care of and losing him would be like losing a companion and a child; he's my everything; my whole life, my whole reason to keep living, the anchor that keeps me grounded so I don't drift away, the only reason I keep getting up each day and have the will to keep living, and without him I would have nothing left anymore; no one to love me, and I'd be all alone and lost.

 I also wonder if that "impression" I got before of me dying of an abdomenal aortic anuerysm might have even got mixed-up and it's actually him? I also will name my new dog either Beja( prounouced "Bay- Zha" or Seppi, and I can remember what dying feels like too, I assume from past lives or whatever: the moment it occurs there's this sudden flash of warm bright white light that envelops you and you can feel youself being sucked upwards and drawn out and up out of your head and my theory about Trans people is that in their past life they were the other sex and part of that mmemory still remains and that's what confuses them only they only remember part of it and it confuses them. I know that officially the Church teaches we only have one life and there are no past lives but I know that there are (either past lives or parrallel lives). I remember.