Saying Goodbye.

I should have trusted my instincts and listened to Buddy when he told me in the summer he had cancer and he was dying. We we both right. Last night I saw a big bulging in his groin, like a huge varicose vein squishy and I thought at first might just be a hernia but then later on I noticed it had shifted to the other side and when I palpated inside he jumped in pain and it hit me that his sudden weight gain over the past couple of months isn't because he's fat; it's because he has a big tumor, and now his belly is so big it's distended and protruding and a big pot-belly and round and big like there's a big grapefruit in there. That would also explain the rectal bleeding and last night 4 times during the night he kept waking me up having episodes having trouble breathing where it started off as either a sneeze or a funny grunt sound and then gagging or wrethching and opening his mouth like to gag, having trouble breathing and I'd pick him up and hold him in my arms, cradling him, stroking him, wailing, and he'd go limp in my arms for a few moments and then come "out" of it and this went on thru the night so I only got 3 HRS sleep(and now I'm so jet-lag tired I'm exhausted both physically and emotionally and I want to sleep but I'm afraid to; scared the moment I close my eyes he'll die and he'll be all alone) and so frazzled my BP is 155/ 95 and heart rate is 95; I'm probably going to have a heart-attack from the stress), always having him right beside me with my hand on him to make sure he was still breathing, waking up at every little sound, knowing that it wouldn't be long.

I know in my heart that either sometime today or tonight will be The Day; I can just feel it and he's in pain and anxious so I gave him some CBD oil to calm and relax him and to ease the pain so at least he's not suffering or afraid, sort of like how terminal cancer patients receive morphine to ease their last days. I also won't leave his side for a moment, not even to have a bath or to eat, but keep vigil constantly and I don't want him to die alone but in my arms, and I often feel this cool breeze pass by as well, like a sign the angels have come for him and he'll often stare intently straight ahead, as if he's looking at something or someone,  and when he's about to go limp he'll heartily sniff me and lick my hand, as if trying to inhale the last bit of my scent as he can, to hold on to me, to he can remember, or to lead him back to me so he can find his way back, and I knew one day this day would come but I'm still not ready for it. I can't lose my best friend. Without him I have nothing left; nothing to live for, nothing to keep me going anymore. He is all I have. The only love, joy,and light in my life.

In church on Sunday the priest spoke on how all our sufferings will come together for good in the end in Eternity and that's the only hope I have left to hold on to that things will finally look up for me and get better and that I will finally have the happiness, love,and peace that I long for but that always eluded me in life, and I also hope to be reunited with Buddy again,too; that he'll be waiting for me and run into my arms, tail wagging a mile a minute, happy to see me. He is  my life and the best thing to ever happen to me and I pray when he goes that God takes me toobecause we're a team and we go together and do everything together and I can't live without him. We are connected and when one dies the other dies,too.

I also realized the 12 YR old only got half a mother,too: when he was born I was 40 and already all used up, broken, worn out, and at the end of my rope and he didn't get the same mother that the other kids got, and he was only 5 when all my medical issues started so he ended up with a different "version" of me, less productive, lesss effective, less capable, and it's sad, and the other day he said I'm a drug addict going to over-dose on my illegal drugs even though it's medical marijuana I have a prescription for and it's all legal now and I'm no more "addicted" to it than to vitamins and you can't even possibly overdose on weed anyway....At least when I die no one will miss me and they always say all I do is just smoke weed and lay around on the couch all day anyway so they won't notice any difference.

 For when Buddy goes I leave this. He truly was an angel sent from God. He was an answer to my prayer. I prayed that He sends me a soul-mate, someone to love me, and He did. The only bad thing about loving so intensely is it's so painful to lose but I also know that God will always be with me wherever I am and will give me the strength for whatever comes next, whatever lies ahead, where my next journey takes me, what my next chapter is..