Daily Musing.

Digging.

The 16 YR old's been digging; trying to dig up info on my side of the family by searching on the Internet and of course it always comes up blank, with good reason. She now thinks she's adopted because she can't find any of my relatives. She's not BTW, and we even have the same crooked toe and my cousin saw a photo of her on my Facebook and even remarked she looked like me when I was young to which she recoiled Ewwww! when I told her, and I clearly remember her birth; I was there, and she was born face-up with the cord around her neck.... so now she wants to order one of those DNA tests online that costs 200$(which is outrageous; way too expensive and how do you even know it's legit? They could just print off some standard report they send out to everyone and just take your 200$) and when she said she can't find anything I told her that just because you can't find something doesn't mean it's not there; sometimes things are just hidden, on purpose, and for good reason. Sometimes the past should stay buried and not dug up.

She also said I'm always so secretive and hiding from the gov't but if she only knew and understood my life and what I've been thru then it would all make sense but there's just so much that I can never tell her, that she can never know, that can't be exposed, that's just mine, that belong only to me alone; things that occured long before they were even born and before I even met my hubby, and I don't "owe" anyone an explanation or anything else. We all have our secrets and things in the past that need to stay hidden, that can't be discovered, that have nothing to do with our lives now, that need to stay buried and that being dug up will serve no useful purpose. I have my reasons and I don't "owe" anyone anything. I've spent my entire life trying to survive and for me this is just natural and an extension of it.

Today's Truth.

Hygge.

Another shitty day today. Blowing snow and yesterday we had an all-out blizzard; bad snowstorm and even the locks on the car were frozen shut we couldn't open them so it was a perfect day to just hunker down indoors and practice hygge; all snuggled up cozy and warm under blankets, candles glowing, listening to music; a relaxing quiet day comfy inside watching the snow and wind howling  at the window.Of course it was a Snow Day for the schools but not for us, being homeschooled our kids still had to do their work ( the only thing they don't like about homeschooling; they don't get Snow Days or PD Days off) and shovelling snow at the front (I shovel at the back to make a pathway for Buddy) the 25 YR old slipped it was so icy and fell all the way down the stairs! Today we still have the weather advisory and it's snowing like crazy out there so winter isn't done with us yet! It is pretty though and looks like a magical winter wonderland(like in those paintings) and I have to admit I do prefer the snow to the yucky gloomy rain.

Yesterday the 16 YR old was acting really weird,too: all giddy and laughing all the time and acting secretive and put hot sauce on her pizza instead of regular tomato sauce; just acting strange and I got the distinct impression that she might be high but there's no way she'd have accesss to my weed though as I have it safely locked away in the chest with a combination lock but the way she was acting does make me wonder though and makes me suspicious and made my radar go off, and I read an article as well about a girl who was told by her doctor her issues is because she's actually trans and wants to be a dude so put her on testosterone and she morphed into this overweight, unattractive trans man(which she ended up hating and stopped taking the hormones and went back to female);  and the photo it looked like me, and I don't even take testosterone and I still look like that; masculine(but not in a good way) and either like a trans man, a guy or a dyke and not only did it make me feel even worse about myself and my looks( and is the reason I've never been hit on by guys because I'm in no way attractive or desirbale to anyone) but it also made me wonder,too: is it possible that maybe I somehow have some testosterone; that my hormones are maybe f*cked up somehow and that's why, and what's making me look so masculine all along? Could it be possible, or is it just I got unlucky in the genetic lottery?

Today is also the first ( of 7) Friday of Lent where we fast from meat and also in our home from sweets and treats such as candy, chocolate, chips, desserts, etc. and Lent started Wednesday on Ash Wednesday which was also a fasting day where we ate less as well yet despite that my mother still ate a chocolate(She said she needed something sweet....well, here, then, how about a piece of fruit? Fruit is sweet....) and my hubby had a donut so we're already off to a good start to Lent....and the kids said for me to give up weed for Lent too....yeah...not happening.

Pondering For Today.

Herb.