I just love this photo; it shows the look of pure happiness, freedom and peace, the way my spirit is, the way I feel on the inside, and the way I also used to be before my life crushed it. There's still a spark left though; it's still there, hidden deep within my soul, busting to come out, just waiting for a time when it's safe to re-emerge, to be set free again, to be able to live again and to feel alive and free. I was happy as a kid until age 13(when the bullying started) and I was generally happy as a teen( once I changed schools) except for the crap my so-called "friend" J pulled which caused me alot of anxiety and stress but once I realized how toxic she really was and broke away from her and got all new friends I was much happier and I even stopped biting my nails with less anxiety and was able to even grow them out nice and long for a couple of years! Growing up my closest friends S and J were also both Asian ( one Korean and the other from Taiwan) and I never do well in a trio as I always end up the odd one out and being excluded and the two of them would always end up teaming up and I'd be left out, even just hanging out and even officially when having to chose partners for swim class, for gym, for science labs, etc. they'd always team up and I'd always be the one left alone. I always had this feeling they felt this almost "obligation" to always stick together because they were both Asian and me being Caucasion was always left out, sort of like reverse discrimination, so no, you don't necessarily have to be foreign or darkskinned to experience discrimination; you just have to be different; different in some way than the others.
The other day it was funny too: the 25 YR old walks in on me in the kitchen and says That really smells good! as I was packing my bong with weed so I had him take a whiff to see if that was the same smell to see if that's what it was and he said it was. That's my boy! I also got a revelation that everything in the universe runs on different frequencies and the trick is to tune in to the right frequency, and I can't believe next week starts Lent already either( it seems like we just had Christmas!) but Wednesday is Ash Wednesday, which also incl. fasting but Wednesdays we're always starving anyway (I even named it Starvation Day) the day before grocery shopping day and we've run out of food so we won't notice any difference,anyway!
It's nice to have the 16 YR old back home and it seems she had the best week of her life, and she's smiling so much,too, from ear to ear and it's nice seeing her look so happy and about an hour before she came thru the door Buddy could pick up her scent as well and knew she was close; he perked up and I could tell he got the scent and he got all excited and stood "guard" waiting for her and "told" me she was on her way, soon to arrive, so I knew she was getting closer and it wouldn't be too long.When I had mentioned how much I love him and what a good dog he is the 12 YR old also said how he's stubborn and "talks back" to me too(like the kids do) which he does but I also reminded him that at the same time he also doesn't stop loving me though, and will always let me love him and show affection and cuddle too; that he won't wake up one day and suddenly decide that he doesn't love me anymore. Unlike others I've loved I can trust that his love will last.
I also don't know what happened to the hippo poem by T.S. Eliot I tried numerous times yesterday to post. In fact, I spent a good 30 min. on it re-trying, re-copying and trying to re-post it, but it just never worked, so I don't know if there's a glitch with this site or just more of things just not working out for me....
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