Pride & Admiration.

I was thinking the other day about the kids and what I'm most proud of and most admire about each of them and here's what I came up with:

The oldest I'm most proud of his accomplishments and that he's so smart and was the first to go to and graduate university; he got a Business degree. The second-oldest I'm proud of her determination and independence; that she got to follow and live out her dream of moving to Japan where she lived for 3 years, and for the 25 YR old I most admire and am most proud of his convictions: the time when he oraganized a worker's strike so fellow workers got their comission even though he was the top seller and the only one who got paid comission and the defiant act got him fired but it was the right thing to do and I was so proud of him for doing the right thing, even at great personal cost. For the 23 YR old I most admire her faith; of all the kids she's the only one that still goes to church once she left home; all the others stop going once they moved away and other than her the only other one that goes anymore is the 12 YR old and only because I make him come with me. I admire the 22 YR old for his incredible bravery as when he was 7 he endured his leukemia and the gruelling treatments with such bravery, strength and courage it was remarkable and has overcome so many obstacles in life, and the 20 YR old I am most proud of her natural talent and gift of painting and writing, and the 18 YR old's talent for fashion design( she does the most beautiful creations!) and I admire the 16 YR old's strength; the way she fought thru and won her eating disorder and associated issues and beat it showed amazing strength and the 12 YR old's intelligence; the kid's a true genius it blows me away.  They all have such amazing qualities and gifts about them and even though they may not realize it I am truly in awe they turned out to be such incredible amazing people.

As well yesterday was exactly 28 years(1992) and even though they think I forgot I didn't. We never talk about it but I haven't forgotten and I often wonder about what could have been. I will always remember. The same goes for 9 March(1993). A mother never forgets her children. Some things are just too painful to discuss but it doesn't mean it's not there but I hope one day to be reunited with them in Heaven and start over. I also still keep having those recurring dreams I move back to my old house in Toronto too but now with a 'twist" : I regret it, likely because things change and you can't go back. Things are never the same and even though in my dreams the house is exactly the way I left it in 1984 (the same wallpaper, carpet, etc) I know it's not since the last time I went by there to check it out there were all new windows and paint, etc. and when we lived there it was safe but I've heard that since the old neighbourhood has deteriorated and has become a ghetto now and the friendly variety store that used to be across the street from our house is now a bar,too, so there goes the neighbourhood and we had a streetcar stop right in front of our house too so you can just imagine all the rowdy noisy drunks out there on our lawn at all hours of the night when the bar lets out......oh my God, no.....it would have been awful if we were still there now....and it's way too expensive to live there now too and we don't have the $$$$ like we used to and couldn't afford to live there anymore,either.and we left for a reason.....

Yesterday during the night there was also a crazy guy running around barefoot in the snow yelling for help that someone was trying to kill him and to call the cops and it woke up the 25 YR old who heard it from his bedroom window; the guy ran from the house nehind us where our pool is and ran up from behind our house thru our driveway to next door onto the front of our house and the cops came and the guy's father ran out after him explaining he was on some drugs and just having a bad trip and the cops came and took him away.....shit....there is always some weird shit going on here.....this is such a strange little town.....