The Forgotten Princess.

Generally there are 2 times in every girls' life when she feels like a princess: when she's dressed up for her Prom night and for her wedding but I missed out on both. Being ugly and never being asked out or dating I never got to experience Prom and my wedding was a cheap low-cost no-frills affair; in total we spent 250$  and I wore a dark brown pantsuit and looked more like a lesbian CEO than a bride. Originally we had planned a big fancy wedding costing thousand$ but we kept arguing about the guest list; he kept insisting on inviting his alcoholic and drug-addicted family and his ill-behaved nephews and I was certain they would ruin it and I didn't even want alcohol served and we couldn't decide and it was such a hassle and such an expense in the end we just ended up cancelling the whole thing( incl. all the deposits we had already put down for the banquet hall, the limo, DJ, photographer, florist, etc.) and just had the 2 of us with the official and the witnesses and went out to eat after and instead used the $$$$ we had saved up for the wedding to be put aside to be used for baby expenses which we know would be expensive, such as a crib, stroller, high chair, etc. and it seemed like an awful waste spending thousands of $$$ all just for one day anyway when it could go to better use for kids.

I did have the beautiful gown though; it was a lovely silk blush pink (I thought with my pale white skin I'd look too washed away in white) with lace, sequins and pearls on the bodice and down the train and it had puffy sleeves, a long train and a puffy veil( this was the late 80's remember) but I never got to wear it; just try it on at the bridal salon when I went in for fittings and then it just languished in my closet for years, never worn, never having it's Big Day, never getting to shine, just as I never did, and then when we moved the people that packed our stuff from the moving company stole it, along with all my leather jackets and sheepskin coat.

 The story of my life. I never got to shine. Never got to feel like a princess. never got to be glamourous or feel beautiful. Never got my Special Day. Never got my day in the sun. Sometimes I would take my wedding gown out of the closet and put it on and model it in front of the mirror and pretend I was a princess, like I did with my Babushka's fur hats and stoles when I was a kid but it's not the same. I feel like a forgotten princess in life. I never got the Fairytale ending either. The 25 YR old also liked the curry butter sauce I made for the chicken and was surprised when I said I used to cook gourmet food and said he never knew that ( there's alot of things that they don't know about me) but I used to do alot of things from before; before I met my hubby and had kids; I used to play violin, I used to cook gourmet food, I used to do gymnastics, I used to be happy....where did I go?

The 12 YR old is still sick; barfing,coughing, and has red eyes(likely "Pink eye" which he often gets) now too but no longer has the headache and Buddy had blood in his pee 3/5 times yesterday but not today in pee or shit this morning anyway( at least not so far) but still has the swelling and bruising in his groin and nether-regions and I wonder if someone did kick him( and if whoever did I'm going to absolutely kick their ASS!!!) or something( it would have to be either my hubby, the 16 YR old or my mother as the 12 YR old was laid up sick and the 25 YR old was at work), causing injury, as I remember with my cousin when he was cycling and got thrown from his bike and bruised his kidney he was peeing blood, and when I was mentioning how Buddy had blood in his pee and shit the 16 YR old said shouldn't we take him to the hospital and I said we can't afford it; it costs hundreds, if not thousands of dollars and if it's terminal cancer there's nothing they can do anyway,and he is almost 14.....and then she had this horrified look on her face......she thought I was talking about the 12 YR old, not the dog! My mother saw the swelling and blood too so I know this time it's not a delusion and last night the 12 YR old seemed delusional too saying he thought my hubby had been gone a week and didn't know what day it was and thought we were tricking him and thought I was the 16 YR old, likely due to his high fever but I checked his BP and it was normal.

 My sore stiff neck is back and headache and fever again,too. I think I'm also paranoid as well; not now but last week or so I was picking away at a raised scar on my belly thinking I had a microchip implanted in there, perhaps by my hubby or from my past. My mother also always blocks doorways and entranceways and access to the microwave, etc. with her walker and she just stands there with this big dumb look on her face too and doesn't move and then when I ask her to she acts like it's my fault and I'm the one in the way and she thinks because she's old it 'affords" her certain "priviledges" to get away with things and so that even basic courtesies and manners no longer apply to her and when I tell her that just doesn't "fly" somehow I'M "being mean and picking on her." She also admonished me today about my hubby and I always bickering would we ever stop fighting and get along as it stresses HER out and I said not unless he shuts his mouth and she replied Why should he have to shut his mouth? taking his side as always. Just for once  I would like to have her support. She sees the way he treats me. The way he talks down to me. The way he insults, demeans, belittles and is condescending and degrading to me. I would like for once for her to stand up to him, to take my side and tell him Don't you talk to my daughter like that! But nothing. Ever. Just silence. I have no allies in this house except for my dog. My family sucks.