Love And Worry.

Last night I was really worried about my Boy. I mean really  worried, so much so I even half-expected to find him dead this morning when I got up but thank God he wasn't and seems to feel better today. Last night he had a fever and felt really hot, and he told me he was in a lot of pain and he's only walk a couple of steps, dragging his poor sorry old ass along and then basically collapse and flop onto the floor and lay on his side and doze off. He was really in a bad way so I gave him a small dose of my CBD oil to ease his pain, help him relax and to sleep and it worked, really well. In about 45 minutes he was faded, zonked-out and had the best sleep ever. When I pet him I could even feel  the difference as the tension in his muscles had ceased and they were now relaxed as he now lay there breathing calmly, softly and smoothly, no longer laboured , hard, and snorting, his chest rising and falling softly instead of in rough heaves, and he was sooo relaxed and pain-free and having such a good sleep and I was glad. Maybe it was just something he ate that upset him, and he was eating crap off the carpet again as we ran out of food(incl. for him) and he was scrounging around for food because he seems better( so far, anyway) today(other than blood in his shit again, which he hasn't had for at least 2 weeks now, making me think again it must be something he ate and irritated his colon)? I just love him so much I worry about him like I do about the kids when they're sick or hurt. Endless worry. That's what love is and I have so much to lose.

I still have my app't with the doc to re-new my medical marijuana prescription this week only this time it has to be online and I have to hook up on a computer here at home so I hope it works out OK and I'm going to need help with it because I don't know anything about it and am not tech-saavy( or anything-saavy,really) and I was arranging it over the phone yesterday too and the stupid phone never works well( and you can hardly hear eachother on both ends,either) and I was having trouble with it and needed help and my hubby snarled at me in contempt, Learn how to use a phone!!   and it was so belitting and felt so demeaning I absolutely hate that asshole and I saw the other day too his "plans" for when he sells the house too......uh, excuse me? it'll never even be "his" TO  sell in the first place; it goes from my mother to me and then to be divided among the kids......he doesn't even own  it! WTF? His plan is both of us will be dead....but even so, it doesn't even go to him, but passed on down to the kids....then I remembered the warning I got a long time ago, the revelation of sorts, Be careful, he's even more violent than you realize.....

F*CK.

I also heard that now the police  are even at some Wal-Mart locations for crowd control, to make sure only a few people go in at a time,and that's just beyond ridiculous, I mean, haven't the police got better  things to do, like going after killers, rapists, etc instead? There was also talk of possibly even soon banning people from even going outside at all too, not even out for walks but even if so f*ck that, Buddy still has to go out for his walks and go shit and pee and no Big Brother jack-booted order will stop me from taking care of his need OR from going outside ( my fave. place to BE!) when it's warm and sunny out, so how about NO!!!!! I'm also glad that, once again, I had Back-Up; for some reason today after my bath I didn't have a clean underwear to put on but luckily I always have an extra back-up pair in the bathroom just in case.....and I needed it again today and it was there for me in my time of need once again! My Mantra: Always have a back-up!!! whether it's an extra pair of underwear and socks, or a back-up plan, ammo, escape route, files on computer, supply, witness, story, contact, safe place, cash supply, etc. because , like insurance, you never know if or when you're going to need it, and if you do you'll be really glad that you have it. Walking Buddy today the only shoes I could find were 2 right-foot Crocs too so I went out in that but it's pretty funny,too as that also pretty much sums up my life.

I also don't know what the big deal is over this TV show Tiger King; it just sounds so lame, like just another dumb redneck made famous, just like Duck Dynasty, Swamp People, Teen Moms,  or Honey-Boo Boo and her family. It's just the dumbest thing ever, and just as stupid as the Kardashians being famous when all they are really is nothing but glorified porn stars and fame whores. It was funny as well a Facebook  friend mentioned the Eagles  and I left a comment how Hotel California  is my fave. song of theirs and as it turned out  the Eagles  is also  apparantly some sports  teams and he was actually talking about that! HA! Who knew? and I also have this other FB friend  who( no offence) is homely but for some reason she thinks  she's pretty  and I was thinking to myself I wonder which is better or worse:  to be ugly( like we both are) and to know that you actually are, in reality, ugly (like I do) or to be delusional and to think  that you're actually pretty(like she  does) ? In my case I'm facing the honest-to-God-truth( as painful as it is) and not deluding myself and seeing myself as others do and therefore understanding why  men have never been attracted to me, yet on the other hand I also  have Zero self-esteem due  to it and hate myself which is also very damaging..... and in her case she's delusional  yet she'd have confidence and self-esteem, although based on a delusion. What do YOU think?

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