Thursday, March 19, 2020

The Real Me.


Yesterday Buddy and I sat outside for fresh air and sun again ( tomorrow it's going up to an amazing 15 C too.....but rain ruining the otherwise nice outside day, but also a spring thunderstorm too and I have to admit I do love a good thunderstorm, esp. at night when I'm all snug and cozy in my bed, and it's kind of funny too as much as I love  water and love swimming and love the beach and am practically a fish I don't like rain, but I also don't like onions but I do like onion rings so I guess it makes as much sense) and it always gives me the best feeling ever and so I took a photo to capture the moment and this is what I got and although normally I don't like photos of me because I'm so ugly this one I liked as it showed the Real Me, the inner-me, a glimpse of the hidden inner happy me that once existed long ago and , under the right circumstances, can emerge on occasion, such as when I'm basking in the sun, cuddling with my best friend, I hear My Song and the good memories come flooding back, when the weed hits and I'm blissed-out, when I'm in my Happy Place; my Spiritual Home of Jamaica,or when I feel an extra hug and loved by God, for example. These moments come so rarely nowadays in my life so when they do I want to savour and capture them so I can hold on to them and remember them for as long as I can possibly can because the moments are fleeting.

I also got an e-mail from the lady at church saying from now on all Masses are cancelled due to the Coronavirus panic and hysteria and lockdown until further notice and this is just unprecedented; Mass is never cancelled and the churches are never closed, not even in the worst weather, even in the worst blizzards Mass still goes on even if hardly anybody shows up. With all this self-isolation and Social Distancing it'snothing new for me anyway though as with my Asperger's and Social Phobia  this is just the way I've been living  my life all along, avoiding people and keeping to myself as much as possible anyway so for me it's really nothing new, just business as usual and carry on. I can go weeks, even months, without leaving the house, other than for church or medical app't's. For the past few months I've also had this "calling" from God too(as well as having many of my questions answered) I feel is leading me in a ceratin direction,too, down a certain path, to walk a certain road, leading me, but I'm giving it patient quiet time and consideration to make sure it really is  a prmopting from God though and not being deceived by my own imagination or even by Satan and I pray on it and ask Him for confirmation and verification that it really is from Him and how to proceed.

The 18 YR old also finally moved out away from that batshit crazy landlady she had that never let her have visitors, have her mail sent there, to have luggage, or cook certain foods, etc, and the final straw came when she came home one day to find this crazy broad trying on her clothes and then yelling at her because her shoes were too small and didn't fit so she couldn't "borrow" them! Seriously! WTF, man? My mother and I both have been telling her for months to get out of there and she finally did, thank God! What a weirdo! Ozzy Osbourne and his wife Sharon also had a cameo appearance on the show The Conners  this week too which I thought was awesome and I've always liked his music, ever since I was like 13 and it may seem odd a religious person such as myself likes such "dark" music but if you really listen to the lyrics I can relate  to the sorrow, the depression, the emptiness, and many of the songs are spiritual and anti-war, too. I'm also not the most conventional-looking religious person either though, covered in tattoos, shaved head, smoke weed, swear like a sailor, etc. yet God sees the heart, the faith, what's on the inside, and NOT on the outer appearance like the world sees.

Last night I also had a dream someone "significant" ( although I have no idea who  or in what capacity, although I do pray daily to God to send me a friend and a true love, and although He already did send me a friend, soul-mate and someone to love me in Buddy I would also like that in a human,too) will come into my life and that they'll have a cool grey cat named Smokey and also a scary nightmare that woke me up about I called Buddy and he ran over to me but ran down this big craggy hill and fell and rolled all the way down and one of his ears and his tail fell off and I picked them up along the way  and I frantically raced over to him and picked him up, all limp, broken and bleeding in my arms and I woke up scared and was so relieved he was alive and well, sleeping soundly beside me and it was just a dream and not real.

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