Easter Feaster.

Happy,hoppy Easter/Ressurection Day! Here is my Easter chocolate, a dog ( my first choice, of course, would obviously be a hippo, but of course they never have it, so I always ends up getting my second-choice, a dog, and always this exact same one every year) plus a Cadbury Easter Creme Egg, which normally everyone would get a pack of 3.....but this year they were hard to find and not everyone even got one as they line up to get into Wal-Mart was- I kid you not- 3 blocks long(like in some Third-World country, lining up for hours for necessities like bread, or waiting for the Unicef truck to bring rice) and my hubby( last-minute of course like always) went yesterday to try and find them and said no way; not waiting hours in line just for that, and so he just found 3 of them in another store, so only 3 of us got it, and only one each. Normally I wouldn't even be one that got one ( even though I LOVE them) because I always come last  but luckily I was the first one up this morning and they were there laying on the table so I took mine, otherwise I know I wouldn't end up getting one and would be left out and miss out like always(the others that miss out get Kinder eggs with toys in instead) so I guess the Early Bird really DOES get the worm as they say afterall, or at least the creme egg. I'm always criticized for thinking about myself but I have to look out for myself and my interests because no one else ever has or does and if I don't look out for my needs they won't be met. I also thought there was something wrong with Buddy last night as he just seemed "off" to me, kind of "floppy" and his breathing didn't seem right but he seems ok now...

We also got an Easter lily( last-minute, of course because we actually had forgotten about it until my mother mentioned it) which I named Miss Lily but I think it might be retarded as none of the blooms are opening and with our luck it's probably defective as we always seem to get the broken stuff,  and we haven't dyed eggs in years; we just never seem to remember and this year esp. Easter just seemed to sneak up on us and I remember that time years ago when my mother and I just returned from one of our epic trips just the day before Easter, exhausted and jet-lagged and faced all kinds of things we had to catch up on upon our return plus get ready for Easter dinner and the now 20 YR old asked us When are we going to dye the Easter eggs? and we had just totally forgotten about it and we said we just didn't have the time and she looked so disappointed, so crest-fallen; she had been looking forward to it, so we just had the kids do it themselves that year but we haven't for years now they're older. Today we're also having what I call our Easter Feaster big dinner in the diningroom.....and we still have our Christmas tablecloth on the table so we should probably change it to the easter one before dinner, ha, ha...My hubby also always does this egg hunt thing with the kids where he leaves clues all over the house sort of like a treasure hunt and they find a prize at the end of it. It's sort of like a tradition. It feels weird though NOT having Mass like we always do during Holy Week and for Easter Vigil. My hubby was also trying to talk the 18 YR old down into getting a new phone( her old one died) that was cheaper than the one she wanted(she's always been extravagant and a Diva) and it was like trying to negotiate with terrorists.

My hubby also mentioned how the 23 YR old's BF's parents were wearing masks with the pandemic hysteria and panic and I said Oh, they're those people! and he sneered, You mean safe? and I said, No, paranoid!  and I'm getting really sick and tired of all this social distancing regulation placed on everyone and limiting citizens' freedom of association and freedom of mobility and I can clearly see where it's all heading; to MARTIAL LAW; WHY CAN'T ANYONE ELSE SEE IT? Are they all so blind? By the time everyone else sees what's really going on and the agenda behind all this it'll be too late.The 23 YR old hasn't spoken ONE WORD to me since she arrived,either; she never does, and, in fact, completely avoids and ignores me  and won't even come downstairs or into the room until I'm gone and have gone outside or up to bed,and out of respect I stay away from her too, and it reminds me of my own father whenever he'd visit his mother(my Babushka): he didn't get along with his father and they hated eachother(or at least Dedushka hated him) and every time he came over Dedushka would refuse to even be in the same room as him and it was very hard on Babushka who loved both  of them and was caught in the middle and just tried to make peace. I never knew the story though as to why, just bits and pieces here and there I try to piece together myself and try to figure out: Dedushka was horribly abused by his drunken father and beaten unconscious at 14 and left home and so he never knew love or learned how  to love or how to be  a father or relate to kids(I also suspect he may  have been on The Spectrum too), so he was a cold, distant father who never could bond with his son or show affection, and my father, for his part, grew up to be an alcoholic asshole who cheated on my mother and left us when I was 2 so there's that...it might also just be a clash of personalities,too.....who knows? Some people just don't get along.

 As for the 23 YR old, I remember too once in therapy the therapist asked her if she was open to starting over with me, a "new " relationship, which I was open and agreed to, a new beginning as adults, and she coldly rejected it saying she doesn't want me in her LIFE at ALL  which really hurt, esp. as I don't even really know  what I DID that was so bad, other than not approving of her Goth look and that we were never close.... and then she accused me of saying awful things to her that I know I never did ( false memories, perhaps?) such as telling her with her freckles that now you look ugly on the OUTSIDE as well as on the inside! which, of course, would be a horrible thing to say to a child, and I know I wouldn't have said  that since I think freckles on little kids are cute,plus, me being ugly myself I would never call someone else ugly, esp. a child, as I know how damaging and hurtful it is, but I'm thinking in her own struggles with mental illness she gets confused as well and has false memories and thinks things happened that didn't; like some sort of delusion, and the 25 YR old as well; he saw the silvery-white scars of stretch marks on his back and he mistakenly thought they were scars ; that I had whipped him with an extension cord or something when he was little which is insane, and I NEVER  whipped or beat the kids at ALL; their punishments were lsoing priviledges like no computer, TV, or video games, or they lost their allowance for the week and I donated the $$$ to the church but they never abused and it's really hurtful that they'd even think  that and wrongly accuse me of that or think I'm capable of that. Mental illness is well-known to run in our family and obviously we all  have our delusions but these ones are truly damaging...but at least I have the consolation of knowing that at least GOD knows. God knows the TRUTH.He knows what really  happened and for whatever they think I did I'm sorry and I'm sorry it had to end up this way and I'd take it all back if I could.