No Pool.

I asked my mother and hubby when we're opening the pool this year, if after Canada Day(We usually do end of June or early July, once it's really hot) and they stunned me by saying we're NOT opening it at all but keeping it covered up; that it costs too much and I'm the only one that uses it anymore and it's not worth all the expense just for me anyway even though that's all I have for the summer( that plus the CNE ( the "Ex") but with the "pandemic" that got cancelled,too) so now it feels like my entire summer got taken away from me. It costs around 300$ for the guy to open it for the season and 200$ or so to close it and about 5000$ (or so my hubby says anyway but I don't really believe him and highly question that as that seems excessive and extreme) to run it for the 2 months with all the chemicals. I'm floored. So that's it. No summer for me. My summer's been ruined. Cancelled. This is the worst summer ever.

My first sunflower is starting to open too but it's such a puny little thing, so small just the size of a marigold. Everything this year is just a bust. I also can't help but notice as well every time I go outside and sit at the front on the porch my mother goes inside and only when I go inside does she head outside; it's clear she's obviously avoiding me and doesn't want to be out there or inside when I'm in the same space and it hurts how she doesn't want to spend any time with me or talk or socialize and purposely ignores me and it's the same if she's in the livingroom and I come in she'll leave. She also knew I was eagerly awaiting my fave. chip truck to open for the season to get poutine as they make it the best I've ever had anywhere and the other day she comes back from an outing with onion rings from that exact same vendor and didn't even bring me back any poutine, knowing quite well I had been waiting all winter for them to open and not only that but she even TOLD me where she had been, just to rub it in! Why didn't she just NOT say anything  at all then so I'd never know? She just did it to be mean. Good news though,too: the 19 YR old got another scholarship again for her second year at school!

I also saw a big penis drawn in the middle of the road yesterday morning and it made my day,I laughed my ass off and I would have taken a photo of it but I didn't have my camera with me, and I woke up at 3 am to find a note taped to the bathroom door saying Do not use! No water. but it was the middle of the night and I was half-asleep and really had to pee so I was just like F*ck it, I don't care, I have to pee! and I'm not staggering all the way downstairs to another bathroom and risk falling down the stairs so I just went anyway only I just didn't flush but closed the lid to contain the smell and when I got up 3 HRS later I peed again and tried the flush hoping the problem resolved by then and either it did or it was just a prank the kids pulled on me because it was fine. I'm really worried about Buddy too; for the past 3 days( today is day 4) he's hardly eaten and all he does is sleep all day and I fear he doesn't have too much time left and he's in palliative care now and he told me his mouth hurts and I hope it's just a sore tooth but I have a bad feeling it's more and he did tell me last summer he has cancer and it's been a year now....I even tried hand-feeding him and feeding him with a spoon but he just turns his head. he even refuses all his fave foods and all he would take is water and a few licks of applesauce off my finger but he can't sustain himself like that for long and I know the death process the body starts to shut down and not require food and you stop eating just before....I can't lose him, he's the best thing to ever happen to me and the one that not only loves me the most but most importantly that will never stop  loving me, unlike everyone else I have ever loved that has eventually grown tired of me and walked away and abandoned me. He's honestly the biggest influence in my life and all I have to keep me going and without him I will be utterly desolate, lost and alone.

I also have this what I call my "bubble" that I escape to to get away from all the stress and pain in my life where I float away into my head imagining Buddy and I are safely contained in this clear sound-proof, shatter-proof "bubble" and it has soft shag carpeting and we just snuggle up there and I can read, listen to music, smoke weed,pray, or feel the warmth of the sun  but we're safe there; no one can hurt us there; we're safe and cozy and protected from the world and from bullies, hate, insults, mean people, ridicule, worry, stress, fear, trauma, family, etc, all the things that cause me anxiety where I can float away,detach,disconnect, and escape for a little while and just leave the world and my life and myself for awhile and be free.