Why Does She Hate Me?

The most hurtful thing my mother has ever said to me was that she never loved me and that the reason she likes the second-oldest so much is because she's "not like me". She has never been affectionate to me, not even when I was little; there were never any hugs or kisses or anything like that and I get it that with Asperger's it's often difficult to show physical affection and that at times it  even feels "alien" and off-putting to be touched and she'll even tell you that as a kid I didn't want  to be touched but that's not entirely true; I didn't like it when relatives would visit and would grab me and hug me and plant big slippery kisses on me (esp. when it was the aunt that was mean to me and I couldn't stand) but I did  want to be hugged and loved by my own mother. When my own kids were young(and would tolerate it and let me do it and actually enjoyed  it and didn't push me away like they do now) I used to hug and kiss and cuddle with them all the time. On my mother's side of the family I also remember her telling me how they were all actually really affectionate and always hugging and kissing(other than her; she does with them though, just not with me) and it was my father's side where they were more reserved and proper and never showed affection. I knew my Babushka loved me for instance, but she never showed it by hugging. My mother, on the other hand, is another story. I know she never did.

I felt like my entire life she just merely tolerated me and put up with me and I wasn't a bad kid either; I didn't get in trouble in school as a kid, my grades were good( except for math) I never dated so there never any "boy issues or sneaking out or going to parties,etc... I didn't drink or take drugs, wasn't in a gang or in any trouble with the police, I was home every night right after school, didn't go out at night or stay out late, didn't go to bars, never caused her any trouble, and once I finished highschool I did all the cooking and cleaning; overall I was a pretty good kid and I'd say she had it pretty good and got lucky with me and I was healthy,too so no issues or worries there,either, other than that one time I nearly had my tongue cut off, but for the most part my childhood was uneventful and she never knew about the molesting so I didn't cause her any issues yet there was always something  underlying..... is it my undiagnosed Asperger's and Bipolar? Does she hate me for having something we didn't even know about, have a name for,and that I have no control over,and likely even inherited from her?

Do I perhaps remind her of my father, who she hates? I looked like him more when I was growing up but now I'm older I look more like her but maybe I reminded her of him, even though that's not my fault. I DO have his traits of being opinionated, of not putting up with crap, of speaking out , of "making 'waves'" as she'd say, of being "blunt", etc. so maybe every time she sees me she sees him? Maybe she resents it she's never been able to get rid of me since I'm 53 and I'm still here(with my Asperger's I can't live on my own and need help) but if I left she'd be alone,too, so we're company for eachother and we've only ever had eachother all along...maybe she resents even having a kid, I don't know, but whatever it is I've always had this empty feeling of being unwanted, unloved, merely tolerated, never good enough, always criticized, belittled, put down, blamed, at fault, never given love, compassion, consideration, support, validation, affection, etc. she'd buy me everything I wanted but never spent time with me and I was shuffled off to daycare from when I was 6 weeks old until I was 11 and then just left home all alone on my own; what they called a latch-key child  back in the 70's, always feeling alone and abandoned,  the "reject", the runt, that no one wants, chooses, or picks that always ends up getting left out and left behind, that even their own mother doesn't want around, but why does she hate me? What did I ever do to her to deserve it? Just exist? She also always has to be in control but I won't be controlled or conform so maybe it's that? I've always been a free-spirit and "have my own mind" as she always likes to say so maybe she resents that she can't "control" me and I always go my own way?

Yesterday it was soooo hot I could only be the shade all day and the same today too and for the next few days. My mother also looked at that letter from the gov't where they said they sent me an extra 300$ and I have to pay it back but she lost some of the pages where it said how to pay so now I  have to go down to the bank and pay it but forget it; it's not MY problem; they're the ones that screwed up; why should I have to go out of my way, and esp. NOT  for a half-assed gov't that has does nothing for me other than steal my $$$, goughed me, and made my life hell? NO WAY! F*ck that! I'll send them a cheques but that's it and if they don't accept it then too bad; that's their problem! If they want their $$$ then they should make it easier. I don't know how to even do that E-Transfer thing and I'm not going to inconvenience myself by hauling my ass all the way down to the bank just for them, just because they f*cked up! Today child # 9 also turns 19.....on the 19th, and living in BC she also saw a bear in her driveway,too, and my brother-in-law is having a reno done on his house and the workers found an old newspaper from 1918 behind the wall! How cool is that?