Empty Church.

I went to church yesterday, the first time since March( that's been 4 months!) since the lockdown due to the "pandemic" and it felt really weird. First of all the spot I normally sit at was blocked off so I had to sit somewhere else. They had every second row taped off so you could only sit in every second pew so I sat in the row behind where I usually do so now I'm just one row from the last row at the very back.(Never sit at the front because that's where they go to ask you to do the Readings and such and me with my social phobia there's no way that's ever going to happen; there's no way I'm ever going to stand up in front of anyone and read/recite anything/give a speech,etc.; I'd rather die first) and there was also no holy water or any Missals(condensed mini versions of Bible readings we follow along with) or hymnals( song books) anymore now either; theyd all been removed and everything was basically all empty and stripped bare and it just felt so bare, so empty, so eerie,almost like a skeleton, a shell, and we only had a total of 25 people at Mass (I counted) too but at least we still had music but the couple doing it were scrubbing down and dis-infecting the microphone and other equipment like it was a hospital OR prepping a sterile field for surgery and it was just weird. I just wasn't feeling the "vibe". I didn't feel God there anymore; it was almost as if He'd left and wasn't there. There was also this really old lady sitting ahead of me with this really wrinkly saggy baggy skin on the back of her neck that reminded me of elephant skin too and I kept staring at it the entire time it was so fascinating and distracting. Only one person wore a mask too but he quickly took it off when he saw that no one else was wearing one.

These past few months I have also had lots of quiet, private, alone time with God to just read, study and pray on my own and the thought occurred to me: if Jesus is God's Son then wouldn't that make Him a demi-god and therefore worshipped as a deity but the Bible tells us that there's only ONE God and we're to worship Him only, so what about that? isn't that a gross conflict, and when I thought about church: who is it they teach about the most and worship the most; is it mostly God and a bit of Jesus or is it mostly Jesus and just a bit of God I didn't like the answer; it's mostly about Jesus and a little bit of mention of God here and there even though GOD is the one we're really supposed to be praying to and worshipping and Jesus is His advocate, His messenger, His prophet, His side-kick so to speak, sent by Him and I remember as well that time when I heard that Mormons(LDS) believe that God has a wife; that humanity has a "Heavenly Mother" how shocked and horrified I was at the very thought and how utterly blasphemous that sounded; He's God; He's omnipotent; He just says be  and something is; He can create anything at will and doesn't need a 'companion" or any such thing and then the thought also occurred; well then, why is it not the same for His Son? Why would He have need for a son? In doing so that would create another god and there is only ONE God; God....and so now that brings up a whole lot of other questions and now I'm all jumbled up and confused and have all these questions that have me questioning everything I've ever believed and been brought up with my entire life about Jesus. I mean, I have no doubt that He was real and He existed and that He was sent from God, but from what capacity? I always had an issues with this praying to Jesus, Mary and the Saints thing my whole life too; I always thought Why go to the "Middle-Man" when you can just go right to God and pray to Him directly? That never did make much sense to me and I always spoke to God like He was a person, a friend.

As well, last night the 25 YR old stepped on glass in the kitchen and cut his foot and he was bleeding all over and my hubby is taking off the old railing at the front veranda and putting up a new one to match the one on the top balcony he did last year, and I finally got an app't at a barber for the 13 YR old and the poor kid really needs a haircut; the last time he had one was in February and he looks like a sheepdog! It's also going to be 32-33 C all week with humidex 40-41 C; perfect swimming weather if only I had the pool open and it's so hot now too when I give Buddy a bath I don't blow-dry him anymore; just towel-dry and let him air-dry and his fur dries in 5-10 minutes. He scared me during the night last night too; he woke up making funny noises and staggered over to me and collapsed in my arms and I thought he was having trouble breathing so I cuddled and snuggled him and stroked him and told him I loved him, half expecting he was dying but luckily he fell back asleep and he's still here this morning, alive and well, thank God.