Nine.

Nine. That's how many hours I spent yesterday doing load after load of laundry after not being able to wash clothes for an entire week without a washing machine and yesterday morning our new one finally arrived( seen here). I had 3 heaping tall laundry baskets full and it was 4 loads in total that took 9 hours to complete, incl. wash and dry until they were all done.F*ck. I seriously don't want to see another load of laundry for quite awhile now. yesterday just when I thought I was done 2 of the kids come downstairs with a bundle of dirty clothes in their arms from their rooms saying it needed washing....and in time this morning for work too, clothes that hadn't been washed in a week so how could I say no? Shit. My hubby had told me the new machine was a Whirlpool like our old one too but it turns out it's not; it's an LG which I'm not familiar with so I just hope it's as good and lasts as long but it does at least have a 10 YR warranty. it's one of those high-tech things too that frustrates and confuses me and I was putting the liquid detergent in the wrong spot; where the bleach is supposed to go( that's where it went in our old one; ooops!) and I had trouble reading the small-print words and it's digital too and it wouldn't let me get to the cold water setting like I wanted and I was getting all flustered struggling with the stupid thing and it took 90 minutes for a wash cycle compared to just 30 minutes with our old one; that's 3 times as long and I was getting so mad; damn this stupid thing, and then my hubby found it had a speed setting on it that washes in 30 minutes, oh, thank God, I'm saved and then it was much better. Shit, I hate new things, I hate change, and I hate modern technology. I just like simple things that are easy and not complicated to use. Simple, like me.

Yesterday was also my mother's 79th birthday and 3 of the kids phoned her from out of town/out of province to wish her a Happy Birthday too and they never call me on my birthday or even on Mother's Day and I'm their own mother so you can only imagine how that makes me feel; it really hurts. It's crushing that I'm an outcast and an outsider even in my own family. They blame me and hate me for my Asperger's and Bipolar even though I also can't help it, didn't "ask" for it and wish I didn't have it either and every day is a constant struggle for me just to survive and to be rejected ,ridiculed, bullied and pushed away by my own family is devastating and when I told her she should feel lucky she sneered, Oh, I know how lucky I am and I reminded her that unlike her, I don't have the $$$ to buy their affection like she does, and she did the strangest thing,too, she mumbled to me, Was it raining when you gave birth to me? hallucinating thinking I was her mother, and I had to remind her she gave birth to me, not the other way around, and I had her repeat it as at first I wasn't sure I heard what I thought I did or if I was even imagining it but that's what she said; she was really confused and "losing" it. I don't know if it was her blood-sugar and a diabetic crisis thing or just her mind is going or what but it was really weird and unsettling.

I also finally got a photo of the 13 YR old with his new haircut. He won't let me take photos but I was stealth and sneaky and took this one when he wasn't looking or paying attention and was too engrossed in his computer to even notice because I'm sneaky like that, ha, ha. It's really the only way I can ever get photos of him. He also screamed at me I'm So stupid!!! over something-or-other(I can't even remember what it was; he does it so often) and I told him, and you're mouthy! I can't help being stupid but YOU can help being mouthy! and of course both my hubby and mother were both there and heard it but never said anything and just let him disrespect me like that because that's where he learned it from; copying seeing how they treat me. I also watched the musical Hamilton on TV and learned more about American history, Revolution,and Constitution that I ever did in highschool history class and back when we used to be well-off I'd go to the theatre and see all the shows live but there's no way now I can afford a few hundred $$$ to see a show and I just have to watch them on TV. Being poor sucks!The 25 YR old also seriously plays and studies chess( like my hubby who is a chess Master)  which makes me happy(for obvious reasons) just like it's good the 24 YR old is expert at piano and the 21 YR old paints and writes and the 17 YR old is good at drawing and I want them to pursue arts & culture, and much rather than redneck crap like sports.

My hubby also just left the veranda stripped from when he took down the old railing last week and it looks so ghetto and he may even just leave it like that for weeks, or even months, just like he did when he painted the hallway( which was left in disarray for 9 months until he finally finished it!) and it really pisses me off; don't even start a job then unless you're going to also complete it within a reasonable amount of time; if you take it off then put the new one up right away and don't leave it like that; it looks so ghetto,and I mean, if the neighbour can paint the outside of his entire house in just one day surely it's not unreasonable for my hubby to be able to complete a veranda railing over 2-3 weekends. If he's not able to put the new one up yet then he shouldn't have taken down the old yet yet; it's that simple, and it's not like he didn't have the time,either; he had this weekend plus he was off 2 days last week, and when I asked mymother she agreed with him(like she always does) even though I know she also hates it left like that but she always takes his side and never says anythiong to him and they always stick together and gang-up against me and I called her out on it; how she never supports me or takes my side and I've never felt validated,accepted,good enough, or supported by her and she smirked, THat's because YOU"RE always wrong! and when I told her no one's wrong all the time  she snickered, But you're wrong more than you're right! and that's exactly what I mean; my whole life she's done nothing but always criticize me and make me feel like nothing I ever do is good enough, and she's never supported me, backed me up, taken my "side", been my "ally", validated me, etc. and then she had to nerve to say that I always complain. What can she say? She's always complaining all the time herself and she's not happy unless she's complaining and I told her so and then added, for effect, I learned it from the BEST. Then she twists it around(like she always does) and blames me(like she always does too) and sobs I ruined her birthday, etc. but it needed to be said and she really is a piece of work. As for my complaining, has it ever even occurred  to her that maybe, just maybe, I complain because I'm unhappy? I'm miserable, unhappy, struggling in life, frustarated, tired of everything always going wrong all the time, of being a failure, of being stuck with such a toxic abusive unsupportive family, that nobody loves me, that I long for happiness and love that seems elusive to me and always out of my reach, that I hate myself and my life and wish I was dead? I have a good reason to complain and to be unhappy. She's part of the problem.

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