Tangled Up.

This is how I feel in life: all tangled up; so unsure and confused about everything, about life, my future, what path to take, what road to follow, what's real and what isn't, what's true and what's false, what's an illusion and what isn't, what I should do and what I shouldn't, what comes from God and what is actually just from my own mind or even worse ; being misled or deceived by Satan or the world, etc. Having bipolar is very difficult and hard to navigate thru and to find your bearings and to find the right path and to make sure that it is. I also have issues with religion lately too( note I didn't say faith which is my own personal relationship with God but rather organized religion which is man-made and some of it's doctrines; my faith in God Himself  has never wavered) incl. the clergy sex scandal, the Church's involvement with Native's Residential Schools and how Native children were stolen from their families and their culture to be "assimilated" and were often abused, the incredible wealth and power of the Vatican while millions live in poverty, corruption in the Vatican, etc, as well as uncertaintly about Jesus' Divinity, Crucifixion,the Trinity(I happen to believe that God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are three separate entities) praying to Jesus,Mary, and saints when the Bible clearly states to only worship God alone,Eucharist( I think it merely symbolises Jesus' Last Supper and He's not really present) and other issues, such as I have a hard time believing that a kind, loving, merciful, compassionate God would have need for a blood sacrifice and if He saved Jonah from the whale why wouldn't He also save Jesus from the Cross( being that He was a major prophet and even more  so if He was His Son;He would move heaven and Earth to save Him!) esp. given it's such a horrible gruesome painful death(plus it doesn't really make sense,either; why would the Romans crucify an innocent man; it was a punishment for crimes such as theft and murder,not for some Jewish prophet that was non-violent and never even opposed the Roman authorities and wasn't even political) and He did plead for His life to be spared, and being God He has no need for a blood sacrifice( or even for a son) to save sinners from sin; He's God  and merely has to decree a thing and it is; something just seems "off" to me and just doesn't "fit"....etc. there are just so many questions, doubts, contradictions, etc. when you really think about it ....something just doesn't sit right and it bothers me and makes me feel uncomfortable and I've been wrestling with so many questions for so long.....

I've been praying on it and to me it makes more sense that Jesus was a human prophet  and NOT divine, esp. given that in the Old Testament it says hear, O, Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One, stating that there is only ONE god, not 2, or 3, no Trinity or anything else, just God and jesus Himself never claimed to be  the son of God; it was others that said that about Him; he claimed to be the Son of Man which is another word for Messiah and He said I have not come to abolish the Law(the Old Testament) but to fulfill it and Jesus Himself  didn't build a new church( Christianity) it was His followers that did after His death; He was Jewish. All this gives me pause for thought, contemplation and re-evaluation and makes me question everything I was brought up with and have always believed. Is  God perhaps leading me to another path? Or is it all just in my head? Is it merely my mental illness deluding me? How can I tell if it comes from God or not or just a delusion? I also don't need the hassle of my family ridiculing me about changing religions again (I tried being Jehovah's Witness and LDS before for about 2 YRS each but gave it up as with JW I couldn't conform and give up my individuality, and my independent mind,compelling questions,and  free-spirit kept getting me into trouble and LDS just ended up having some really weird shit the deeper I got into it, even blasphemous, incl. God was once a man, we can become "gods", God has a "wife", etc) nor do I want to risk having to lose who I am or give up everything I love; I need a balance, and so I continue to offer it up to God, study Scriptures and pray and see where it leads me and in the meantime I 'm still as spiritual and religious as ever and continue to nurture my own personal relationship with God......