Monday, August 31, 2020

Against The Wind.

I'm like my sunflower against the wind. Even the strongest wind can't blow it down. It won't bend, break or fall over. It stands there alone and just sways with the wind and rides out the storm.

This is what I posted on my Twitter yesterday and it's so true. I stand alone and no matter what life has thrown at me I have always weathered the storm and survived against the odds. It will take something like a tornado to bring it down and the same goes for me. We are both survivors, standing tall and strong, adapting to harsh conditions, building up resistance and although withering and battered( some petals have fallen off and some bottom leaves have died and wilted) still alive, still holding on. I dream as well there was a place where being me is OK, being me is good enough,and I could be happy being me and not be ashamed or embarrassed, but I know no place like that exists other than Heaven. As for my pain, it's still here and now also diffuse thru my entire abdomen, making me wonder if something may have ruptured(appendix?) causing an infection in the entire area, or perhaps there is some sort of obstruction or twisting in my colon( and my shit today is very thin and narrow; like a pencil) which can indicate a blockage, or maybe it's even kidney stones, or else something else is inflamed or infected,but I also have this bad cough as well so maybe it's even lung cancer or something from smoking so much weed (was it worth it? ...hell, yeah!) although that might explain the pain under the rib it wouldn't explain the abdomen....who knows. All I know is the pain is easily a 7.5-8 out of 10 on the pain scale.

Yesterday the neighbours at the back had their 2 Pomeranians (named Lily and Cookie) out the back and Poms have seriously got to be the most yappy annoying dogs EVER; they kept barking and yapping and yapping it was like they were having a barking contest and they were soooo annoying even the owner kicked them (I heard the yelp) and yelled at them to shut-up. I love dogs but oh my God, just KILL me,and the neighbour next-door was mowing his grass too and his lawnmower kept smoking and it wafted over to our yard all filled with thick smoke and their mower smokes more than I do, and my White Matter Decline is so bad now too I couldn't even remember Che Guevara's name; I could picture him clearly in my mind but I couldn't for the life of me remember his name! I'm so ashamed! What kind of Marxist am I? Another statue of our first PM MacDonald was also defaced and toppled over as well and I'm glad. I've been saying for years what a racist asshole he was for how he treated the Natives and the Chinese rail workers(and every time I go to Kingston and we drive by that image of him I always give it the Middle Finger) and now finally other people are starting to see it,too. he was the one responsible for killing Louis Riel and branding him a "traitor" (he wasn't) and starting the appalling and abusive Residential Schools for the Native People, trying to erase their identity and culture, basically genocide, etc. yet they never taught this in history class(only lies, not the truth) and he's been revered and honoured with statues and the like. It's not right to honour colonialists and racists. Everyone has a past but there are some things that need to be called-out and we can rewrite history so certain things must not be repeated.

Sunday, August 30, 2020

Today's Thought.

Weekend Update.

My cousin and his wife(pictured here at their wedding) celebrated their 16th wedding anniversary a couple of days ago. They've been together 21 YRS and married for 16 and now have 4 kids. They're such a good-looking couple and his wife is just so pretty that's how I wish I could look! They are both so out of my league. There's this unwritten social rule that good-looking people only get with other good-looking people and ugly people get with other ugly people and you can't ever cross that line, sort of like the Caste class system in India, only for looks. How they met was also she was working with my other cousin( my cousin's sister) and also her friend and my female cousin suggested to her that she thinks she and her brother would get along really well so she introduced them....and obviously she was right because look at them now, and so now my cousin's friend is also her sister-in-law! My mother also said to me about the dance studio across the street, There's a coloured girl working there! and I was like, You can't say that! No one says that anymore; it's not the 1950's! That's considering insulting and they don't like to be called that! and she goes, Who doesn't like to be called what? and I told her, Coloured. No one says coloured anymore; they prefer to be called Black! 'Coloured" is equal to '"negro" or "The N-Word!" OMG! Old people!! She also took one of the 25 YR old's pieces of pizza to give the 13 YR old extra(even though he already had something like 3 pieces already) leaving the 25 YR old short so I took it back! Then she snarls Are you going to give him the rest of the pizza,too? She really does have some nerve,though; taking food off the ones she doesn't like to favour the ones she does all the while crooning how "fair" she is. HA!What a sheer bitch!

Buddy was also really agitated last night in bed and kept wandering around all over the bed whining and coming up to me all worried as if he sensed some kind of danger or impending doom so I turned on the light to show him nothing was there and I held him close next to me and cuddled and comforted him and he eventually fell asleep but whatever it was really scared and upset him, and my mother also made a comment about him being our last dog,too, making it clear when he dies no more dogs , so I really and truly will be utterly all alone except I have a plan all set in order once he dies(if he dies before I do, although ideally we'll die together at the same time and then no one is left behind to grieve the loss of their best friend) that will solve that problem, and when I also lamented that out of planting 14 seeds I only ended up with one decent sunflower my mother sneered You should be grateful that you even got one! as always never validating my feelings, never allowing me to mourn my losses or grieve my failures and thinking I should be content to always settle for less, for crap, for the "bad hand" I'm always handed in life, to just accept the crap deal I always get and to be grateful for it, as if that's all I really deserve.

My hubby always exercises(incl. weights) every morning when he wakes up as well and I don't see the point when he's still got a fat stomach(like a beer belly even though he doesn't even drink) and a Dad Bod so it's not making any difference and I don't know who he's trying to impress, and we found out that Cadets has been cancelled for the upcoming season as well for the 13 YR old over the "pandemic" which is soooo ridiculous and I'm just so tired of all this bullshit; they act like it's the Plague or Ebola or something with over 90% fatality rate and disrupting everyone's lives and limiting everyone's freedom and mandating everything like a Fascist Police State, and yesterday and today my pain is sooooo BAD in my lower rib at the back on my right side and going around to my abdomen it's the kind of white-hot pain where I feel nauseated, dizzy and like I'm going to pass-out; the kind where you wince and suck in your breath and feel all sweaty and chilled at the same time; it's brutal, and the kind you'd normally go to the hospital for but I have zero faith in them; they're so useless here they'd just say something stupid like I'm just constipated or pulled a muscle and tell me to take a Tylenol and send me home so really what's the point and I figure it'll either resolve itself in time or it'll kill me so I just have to wait and see. I was also listening to a heavy metal show on the radio(broadcasting thru Google Home device) and I told the kids to NOT do anything to it as I was listening...and of course then they purposely kept broadcasting stuff thru it to keep interrupting my show, just to be annoying little assholes and I got mad and my hubby blamed me and said it was my fault; that I shouldn't have said anything. WTF? I hate my family.